Twins (1988) is a strange movie when you stop to think about it.  Such a tone was probably deliberate.  I mean, if you look at Julius (Arnold Schwarzenegger) and Vincent Benedict (Danny DeVito), there is no way that you would say they came from the same mother at the same time.  The film is billed as a comedy, but there is some Cold War era science stuff going on that I am guessing is not intentional.  In 1953, when the film begins, scientists are attempting to create the perfect human.  I will let you guess as to which one that is meant to be.  As the old saying goes, we plan and God laughs.  Thus, genetic material from their six fathers also went into Vincent, making them share the womb.  I am getting ahead of myself here, but for this Catholic, while it has nothing to do with religious matters, it is further proof of what God can do.

As I said, Twins begins with the aforementioned science experiment.  The technology race with the Soviet Union is not mentioned, but this historian brain cannot help but contextualize such things.  Though two babies are born, it is Julius on whom we first focus.  He is raised on an isolated island in the South Pacific by Professor Werner (Tony Jay), one of the scientists that helped create Julius.  For the young man, life was all about philosophy and reading, spending his days perfecting himself.  Yet, when Professor Werner reveals to Julius the truth of his past, and the fact that he has a brother, he immediately decides to locate Vincent.  For his sibling’s part, life has turned out differently.  Being raised in an orphanage in California, he grows up to essentially be a con artist, occasionally also stealing cars.  His escapades bring him a variety of trouble, particularly with the Klane brothers.  They are loan sharks that hound Vincent around town for the several thousand dollars he owes them.  In the midst of trying to raise this money, Vincent ends up being arrested for dodging one too many parking tickets.  As this goes on, Julius receives a tip from the nuns at the orphanage where Vincent lived that he would likely find the younger brother in jail.  This is precisely where Julius has his initial encounter with Vincent.  Like anyone else, Vincent is incredulous that such a person as Julius could be related to him.  Still, Vincent takes the offer of bail, but ditches Julius as soon as possible.  Undeterred, Julius re-locates Vincent as the Klane brothers send thugs to rough up the shorter sibling.  The bigger one luckily arrives in time before any harm can be done.  Realizing that there is no getting rid of Julius, Vincent decides to take this stranger along for one of his carjackings.  Vincent tells the gullible Julius that the car is being picked up to be donated for the use of orphan children.  While driving it around, with Julius taking the vehicle Vincent actually owns, Vincent discovers that the pilfered car holds a secret.  In the trunk is a device of some kind.  Later on, he finds a phone number with a name.  Upon calling it, he learns that a man named Beetroot McKinley (Trey Wilson) is willing to pay $5 million for its delivery to Houston.  As Vincent is given this news, Julius begins tracking down a few of his fathers.  In the process, he is told that one of them lives in New Mexico.  This is convenient to him because that is on the way to Houston, much to Vincent’s annoyance.  Not only does he want nothing to do with discovering his parents, but he also gets a surprise visit from his main girl, Linda Mason (Chloe Webb), and her sister Marnie (Kelly Preston).  They insist on going, which adds to Julius’ excitement as Marnie has the hots for him. Despite Vincent’s desire to get to Texas as soon as possible, he agrees to make the stop in New Mexico to confront one of their fathers.  This turns out to be Dr. Mitchell Traven (Nehemiah Persoff).  He confirms for Vincent what the diminutive Benedict did not want to believe: that he and Julius are twins, and the result of a scientific experiment.  Though Vincent is also feeling like he is the result of a genetic mistake, it is Julius that cheers him up by reminding him of his worth.  They have further cause for anticipation.  They have also found out that their mother, Mary Ann Benedict (Bonnie Bartlett) is not dead, but alive and living nearby.  However, once they get to the location given to them, they encounter an artist colony and a Mary Ann unwilling to identify herself, instead believing her sons to be real estate developers and telling them their mother is dead.  This news shatters Vincent’s ideas once more of a family, and he ditches Julius, Linda, and Marnie on the side of the road to head for Houston on his own.  Again, it is the unflappable Julius that goes after his brother, saving Vincent from Mr. Webster (Marshall Bell), the person who had been intended to get the car and deliver the device.  While Julius convinces Vincent to return the money, it is later suggested that Vincent kept a million of it.  On the heels of this, Mary Ann arrives at the brothers’ new business office to reveal her true identity.  Further, it appears that Julius and Vincent married their girlfriends, and each had a set of twins of their own.

Twins is a cute movie.  I was also impressed with Schwarzenegger’s innocence and naivete.  I like seeing movies with actors and actresses playing roles in which you do not normally see them.  While they did add in a few action sequences for Schwarzenegger, for the most part he plays a great straight man for DeVito’s comedy.  I would like to return to this idea of innocence, though.  One of the things they said about Julius’ creation is that he was designed to be “pure in spirit.”  I have a little trouble jiving this with my Catholic brain since he allows himself to be tempted into sleeping with Marnie.  For a moment there, I thought they were going to have a sin-free night with him sleeping on the floor and nothing more than pleasantries exchanged.  But, no, shortly after she comes over to his hotel room, while Linda and Vincent are in the other, they are at one another.  This is not the only deflowering discussed in the film.  Vincent is described as having run off with one of the nuns at the orphanage, later admitting that he had his first sexual experience with her.  This is distasteful, but it is meant as a throw-away line.  Indeed, I wonder how many people, particularly if you have watched this recently since it is currently on Netflix, noticed these words?  It is part and parcel of the many attacks that the Church endures in these modern times, and against which we at The Legionnaire fight.

In the end, these are brief moments of annoyance while watching Twins.  As a Catholic, I was at least heartened to see that the orphanage is a Catholic institution.  This is something the Church has done for millennia, and will carry on doing until Kingdom Come.  In the meantime, you can always put on a mostly fair movie like this one to pass the time.