About three seconds into Billy Madison (1995) I was already sick of it.  Gone in those moments were any good will I had built up for Adam Sandler after watching Happy Gilmore (1996).  Everything I have come to dislike about Sandler’s brand of so-called comedy was on display in the opening scene of Billy Madison.  Can anyone tell me why him speaking in gibberish was ever funny?  That seems to be the only joke early on in the proceedings.  It never got better from there, and it threw in a bunch of other moments that are particularly disturbing to modern audiences.  If you are forced to choose an Adam Sandler movie, pick any other one than this one.  It is a bunch of crap.

I could end my review of Billy Madison there, but I suppose I will continue.  Our title character (Adam Sandler) is the spoiled son of hotel chain mogul Brian Madison (Darren McGavin).  Billy has been coddled beyond anything you can imagine, and spends his days getting drunk with his friends.  This is how we first meet him.  Later that day, a number of executives from Brian’s company come to the house for a meeting.  Billy is supposed to attend, but has to get himself together from his inebriated state.  This is the reason why he is late.  He tops his tardiness by acting like a buffoon, leading to Brian angrily dismissing Billy.  The person egging Billy’s juvenile behavior on is Eric Gordon (Bradley Whitford), one the chief people under Brian.  Eric knows that the boss is set to retire and is looking to hand control of the business over to Billy.  Eric rightly points out that Brian’s son is in no fit state to be managing such a vast enterprise, and the antics at supper prove it.  Thus, later on, Billy is summoned to talk to his dad who, with Eric present, is informed that he will not be taking his father’s place.  Astonishingly, this surprises Billy.  Among the more innocuous reasons for why this decision has been made is Billy’s lack of a formal education.  It is not simply that he had not gone to college, but that Brian had paid everyone off so that his kid could simply matriculate.  For example, Billy still believes that “rock” is spelled without the “c.”  Now, if that does not make you chuckle, I do not know what will!  Sigh.  His spur-of-the-moment solution is to tell his dad that he will go through all the grades, from first through to graduating high school, before the summer begins.  He will spend two weeks on each grade, and if he does not pass, the company will go to Eric.  Thus, on the following Monday, Billy walks into Ms. Lippy’s (Dina Platias) first grade class.  A large portion of the runtime is spent on Billy going through the first, second, and third grades because, I guess, whoever it was that made this travesty thought that would be the funniest.  You know, haha, look, there is a grown man doing activities suited for children.  This includes making friends with the kids, who get invited to his house every two weeks whenever he moves forward into another grade.  As a former youth minister, all sorts of warning bells were going off in my head.  Amidst this nonsense is Veronica Vaughn (Bridgette Wilson), the third-grade teacher.  Immediately, Billy has a crush on her.  She initially dismisses him for what he is: a rich dimwit used to getting what he wants.  She rebuffs his advances, which is smart because he is a student and she is faculty.  He persists, going so far as to complete a dare from one of classmates to touch her chest.  And this is what begins to change her mind about him?  Again, this movie is garbage, even for a comedy.  As he continues to progress, Eric begins to worry that Billy might actually complete all the grades.  Therefore, during one of the many graduation celebrations, Eric corners the oddball principal of the elementary school, Max Anderson (Josh Mostel).  Using the administrator’s embarrassment over being a former wrestler, Eric blackmails Max into saying that Billy cheated to get through the earlier levels by offering cash.  When this news breaks, Brian calls off the arrangement and hands over his position to Eric.  Billy gives up and goes on an alcohol bender, much to Veronica’s dismay.  That is putting it mildly.  She literally knocks some sense into Billy the next morning.  Thus, the would-be-heir comes up with a new plan.  Instead of completing the coursework, for which he is now behind, he will challenge Eric to an academic decathlon.  Whoever wins that gets the company.  The Harvard schooled Eric accepts.  Remarkably, by the end of it, Billy is up one point.  The last event is a potpourri of academic subjects, each getting to choose the category for the opponent.  Eric opts for something having to do with literature, which Billy fails in style.  Billy gives Eric business ethics.  Upon being unable to come up with a sensible answer, Eric snaps and pulls a gun.  Nothing like seeing firearms on a school campus these days, no?  Billy is saved, though, by Danny McGrath (Steve Buscemi), who also brings a rifle.  I will talk more about him in a minute.  Anyway, Billy wins, but then opts for the only sensible choice he makes in the entire film: allows Carl Alphonse (Larry Hankin) to assume the leadership role.  Instead, he says he is going to college to become a teacher.  Everyone then kisses, and I do mean everyone, and the film comes to a merciful close.

As I alluded to in the introduction, Billy Madison represents everything that I do not like about Adam Sandler films.  Still, why do I get the feeling that I will be watching more of them in the near future?  For now, there is really only one aspect of this steaming pile of poo (which is a fitting description for all of this in more ways than one) worth talking about from a Catholic perspective.  Oddly enough, that is Danny McGrath.  Okay, maybe not the character to himself, but Billy’s phone call to Danny to apologize for the bullying he put Danny through when they were in high school.  Billy does this when he faces hazing upon getting to the ninth grade.  After their conversation, Danny hangs up, crosses Billy’s name off his “people to kill” list, puts lipstick on, and lays back on the couch.  Like I said, this is not perfect.  Nonetheless, observe what one good act can do.  Earlier today, before I sat down to watch this train wreck, I walked past a woman sitting alone by the river walk in downtown Chicago.  She seemed to be quite upset.  Some quiet voice, the Holy Spirit I pray, told me to go back and try to comfort this person.  There were a lot of issues that I will not go into, but my hope is that my act could have had some small impact on her that might prevent her from doing something truly bad.  It is something I have been praying a lot about lately, to be more open and to shine God’s love in the world.  As for the movie, who knows?  Danny could have gone on to off all the other’s he had marked.  Yet, for that one instant, he made a friend in Billy.

I hope to never see Billy Madison ever again.  I will say that not all of Sandler’s work is horrible, as I have documented in other reviews.  However, as I have also indicated, this one speaks to all the stereotypes you can think of with his movies.  I hope this review encourages to make other cinematic entertainment choices.