If you have ever looked at Kurt Russell and thought, now there is a guy that should play Santa Claus, then you are a more imaginative person than me.  If you need a visual representation, then watch The Christmas Chronicles (2018).  Or do not watch it.  Actually, it is probably best that you skip this one.  I mean, please read the review of this odd mix of literal Christmas magic and action set pieces, with an Elvis-esque musical interlude thrown in for good measure.  Everything I wrote actually appears in the film, though you will have to continue on in order to find out what other oddities this turkey contains.

If nothing else, The Christmas Chronicles is an appropriate title for the first few minutes as we see Claire (Kimberly Williams-Paisley) and Doug Pierce (Oliver Hudson) start their family, checking in with them every Christmas.  Unfortunately, before we get to modern times, Doug, who appears to be a firefighter, dies in the line of duty.  We learn this first from Claire and Doug’s daughter, Kate Pierce (Darby Camp), who is recording a video message for Santa Claus.  Her older brother, Teddy Pierce (Judah Lewis), scoffs at her and almost reveals to her that the mythical Jolly Ol’ St. Nick does not actually exist.  This is a departure from their former relationship, which included pet names for one another.  Since Doug’s passing, Teddy has been acting out, while Kate has been trying to hold on to the good things.  With this dynamic in mind, he will not let her go with him and his friends despite the fact that he is supposed to stay at home with her while Claire is at work.  Teddy leaves anyway, and Kate eventually follows.  She catches up with him in time to record him and his friends stealing a car.  When he gets home, she attempts to use the tape as blackmail and a wrestling match breaks out over possession of it that wrecks the living room.  All the same, she does not reveal to their mom what is going on when she arrives to find them rolling around on the floor mid-fight.  Still, the evidence is used to convince Teddy to stay home that night when mom is suddenly called away to work on Christmas Eve.  When she is later reviewing previous clips from past years, she comes across an arm placing a gift under their tree that looks suspiciously like Santa.  Thinking that they could capture video proof of Kris Kringle’s existence, Kate strikes a deal with Teddy: in exchange for the tape of his crime, he must help her with the planned stake out.  They are more successful than they expect.  Hoping to get more footage, they run out their backdoor in time to see Santa’s sleigh hovering in the alley, with its driver flitting from rooftop-to-rooftop in a cloud of magic dust.  I thought he landed on each individual house, but whatever.  Kids being kids, they decide to climb up to investigate their literal dreams coming true by peaking inside.  Santa returns without noticing them and takes to the sky.  He remains oblivious until he is startled by Kate, causing him to lose control of the conveyance and crash to the ground in Chicago.  During their descent, Santa’s hat flies off, the bag of toys falls out, and the reindeer are scattered.  Santa then launches into exposition about why all these things are problems, the long and short of it being that Christmas is now in peril.  Luckily, Kringle has a device that looks like an ornament and buzzes faster as it gets closer to the sack of gifts.  Yet, the first priority, for whatever reason, is to track down his sled pullers.  A visit to a local diner where he tries to convince the patrons (in an inexplicably busy restaurant for Christmas Eve) as to his identity ends with nearly being beaten to death by the bartender.  The scrape does reveal that he has a stolen muscle car, which Teddy is able to obtain keys for, though the confused valet reports it as stolen.  This brings the police.  While Santa and Teddy drive around distracting the fuzz, Kate locates the reindeer.  She makes it in time to get away with Teddy, but Santa is taken into custody.  Kate and Teddy manage to find Santa’s bag, which they are told will help them to get to the elves who can better assist with fixing their problems.  Kate crawls inside to look and is transported through space and time (no joke) to the North Pole.  After poking around through the letters to Santa, finding one written by Teddy, she is confronted by an army of Furby-looking Santa’s helpers.  They speak their own language, but conveniently are able to understand her.  They are able to get down their communication in time to emerge from the bag and save Teddy, who had been taken hostage by a group of thugs because, I guess, Chicago.  Anyway, the elves are able to repair the sleigh in record time.  They then sneak into the jail to spring Santa, who has been entertaining inmates and jailers alike by conjuring a full rock band and singing “Santa Claus is Back in Town” by Elvis Presley.  Though Santa is now free, he sees that he only has an hour to deliver gifts to “most of North America,” and does not believe it can be done.  This is when Teddy chimes in with the Pierce family motto: “A Pierce always sees it through.”  This rejuvenates Kringle, and with some help from Kate and Teddy, are able to complete the night in record time.  Santa also manages to get Kate and Teddy home before Claire arrives.  Kringle also has some other magic for the Pierces.  Upon entering their living room, they find it decorated like Doug would have done.  And as they open their gifts, the one from Santa has an ornament that allows Teddy to see his father.  It all concludes with Santa back at the North Pole, satisfied with himself but having to explain his misadventures to Mrs. Claus (Goldie Hawn).

The Christmas Chronicles is full of the kinds of impossibilities that annoy a Catholic film reviewer like myself.  I have said in previous reviews of Christmas films how they imbue Santa with god-like powers.  It is society’s way of avoiding talking about Jesus this time of year.  Yet, they do not want to lose the “magic” of the season, so they make Kris Kringle into a superhero, for lack of a better word.  It is all quite irksome, but I will focus my annoyance on two points.  The first relates to something I have also previously addressed, and that is how Santa is supposedly based on St. Nicholas of Myrna, a third and fourth century Turkish bishop.  In the film, Santa says his official title is St. Nick, but hastily adds that he is not actually a saint.  If he is not a saint, then how can he claim that the “St.” in this alternative name is the proper way by which he should be referred?  “St.,” which is short for “Saint” means “holy,” and I am not sure what is spiritually virtuous about this wish granter in a red suit.  The worst, though, is the claim that without him fulfilling his once-a-year-job, then there would be no Christmas.  Again, this is something I have addressed when discussing the suggestion that without Jolly Ol’ St. Nick, there would be no holiday.  This awful take is added to when he asserts that it is the presents that bring the joy of the season, going so far as to say that without them the world will enter into another Dark Age.  This is completely antithetical to the true meaning of Christmas.  Jesus’ birth was the light of the world, and for the 1,836,269^thtime, there would be no Christmas without it!  Santa could disappear from our collective conscience, and not fast enough for me, and Christmas would still exist.

There is nothing morally wrong with The Christmas Chronicles outside of the things I have already mentioned.  Indeed, the transformation Teddy undergoes is admirable.  It is just that its tone is uneven, and it contributes to everything that this Catholic finds wrong with how society celebrates Christmas.