The best thing I can say for Jurassic Park III (2001) is that it reunited a broken marriage.  Divorce is not something Catholicism is keen on, so as a Catholic pondering the awful hour and a half I just sat through, I took solace in that one aspect.  After all, there is Matthew 19:6 to consider, “So they are no longer two, but one flesh.  Therefore, what God has joined together, no human being must separate.”  Verse nine goes on to give one instance of a proper end to a marriage, that being if it had been unlawful.  This can cover a whole host of reasons for why a husband and a wife terminate their union.  I have no idea what led to this circumstance for Amanda (Téa Leoni) and Paul Kirby (William H. Macy), two of the main characters in today’s film.  The film does not offer any clues for their particular situation.  I guess it does not matter, at least to those responsible for this nonsense.  Instead, they wanted to give you talking dinosaurs, hastily made parachutes that function perfectly, and a person I dubbed “Rambo kid,” just to name a few of the moments that had me laughing at scenes clearly not intended for such reactions.  I think you will understand why as we go along.

Despite it being common knowledge as to what exists on the Pacific islands off the Costa Rican coasts, Jurassic Park IIIopens with a step-son and father duo parasailing near the shore of Isla Sorna.  This is where “Site B” for the planned dinosaur theme park that is the focus of these movies is located, the place in which these ancient animals were bred and eventually turned loose.  Inevitably, something goes wrong with the boat and they are forced to land on the island.  We then cut to paleontologist Dr. Alan Grant (Sam Neill), who is visiting his ex-girlfriend from the first film and fellow dinosaur researcher Dr. Ellie Sattler (Laura Dern).  He is there to catch up, and I suppose to see the family he is missing out on since she has apparently decided to move on and marry someone else.  He is also fighting a losing battle with a public who is less interested in what he has to say fossils, and more interested in his experiences surviving the aborted Jurassic Park.  This is something he does not like to discuss.  Thus, he is able to get away and return to Montana where his team is struggling to maintain funding for their current dig.  However, this is when they are visited by Amanda and Paul.  They tell Dr. Grant that they have received permission from the Costa Rican government to fly over Isla Sorna, wishing to do so because they are thrill seekers wanting to check one more adventure off their list.  Dr. Grant informs them that there is nothing they can do to convince him to go with them as their guide, until Paul pulls out his checkbook and tells the paleontologist to name his price.  It is on the plane ride to the island that Dr. Grant has the dream of a talking Velociraptor, even though it is just his assistant, Billy Brennan (Alessandro Nivola), waking up his boss to inform him of their arrival.  While Dr. Grant launches into pointing out various species visible from their altitude, Amanda and Paul discuss with the pilots where to land.  Before Dr. Grant can rebel in earnest, he is rendered unconscious.  He awakens with their conveyance on the ground.  Yet, they are not there a minute before the mercenaries they brought with them promptly decide to leave.  They attempt to do just that, but just as the plane is lifting off, it is hit by a Spinosaurus and they crash.  There proceeds a protracted sequence where they manage to get away from the large predator, aided by the arrival of a Tyrannosaurus Rex and proceeding dino-fight.  Once they are clear, Amanda and Paul reveal that they are not the wealthy people they pretended to be, but are there because it is their son, Eric Kirby (Trevor Morgan), that was the step-son previously mentioned.  Amanda and Paul, despite being divorced, came to look for their child together.  Dr. Grant wants nothing to do with this operation, telling them they can search on their own or stick with the expert.  The Kirbys choose the latter, though they end up finding the parachute anyway.  Unfortunately, the step-dad is a rotting skeleton, and Eric is nowhere near the spot.  As they continue along, they locate a series of derelict buildings, but still no Eric.  They do have some encounters with Velociraptors, and this is the real reason for these movies.  It is not until later, when Dr. Grant gets separated and is confronted by those same beasts, that we meet the one I refer to as “Rambo Kid.”  I call Eric that because he emerges out of the forest, camouflaged, and throwing gas grenades to deter the dinosaurs.  It is these two that come up with the next course of action: making it down to a boat they spot at the bottom of this inexplicably large canyon in the middle of the island.  Thus, once they are reunited, this is where they go.  Two hiccups occur on the way.  First, Billy reveals that he has stolen Velociraptor eggs.  Secondly, during the descent they have to deal with a group of Pterodactyls.  With the loss of Billy in the process, they make it to the vessel and begin floating downriver.  As they near the end, they hear their satellite phone in a mound of Spinosaurus poop, and are able to retrieve it.  Thus, while they are being once more attacked by said dinosaur, Dr. Grant puts in a call to . . . Dr. Sattler?  It does not last long, but they are again able to escape.  The last hurdle is facing down a small pod of Velociraptors, which they are able to negotiate by returning the eggs.  Finally, they get to the beach where they are greeted by the United States Marine Corps.  The end.

I suppose I will mention here that Billy is alive at the end of Jurassic Park III, in case you were worried.  Also, if you are wondering how the soldiers knew where to be and when, my theory is that somehow Dr. Sattler understood from Dr. Grant’s gurgling and yelling as he simultaneously tries not to drown and/or be eaten, that he clearly conveyed the fact that he was on Isla Sorna and in need of assistance.  I could go on and on about the impossibilities found in this movie.  Yet, there is a line in it that I appreciated as a practicing Catholic.  When Dr. Grant discovers the eggs that Billy had been hiding, the scientist accuses the assistant of being just as bad as the corporation responsible for these monsters.  Billy meekly protests that he had only thought of selling them for a profit so that they could continue their dig.  Dr. Grant bitterly points out that some of the worst things imaginable throughout history have been done with the best intentions.  Past events bear out this truth, but there are Scriptural correlations.  Proverbs 14:12 puts it pretty succinctly, “Sometimes a way seems right,/ but the end of it leads to death!”  This can be taken literally for our group of dinosaur trespassers since it is suggested that the reason the Velociraptors are following them is because our band have the unhatched young.  Of course, Dr. Grant is speaking more broadly about the potential forces that could be loosed upon the world by doing something seemingly innocuous.  Ultimately, though it is ostensibly to help the group at the Montana site, Billy’s motivations are motivated by self-interest.  God calls us to remove ourselves from such social calculus.  Jesus himself says that He came not to be served but to serve.  What this is referring to, essentially, is the proverbial “greater good.”  Billy’s actions might save some jobs for some time, but hurt an even greater number of people.

I guess, since I have now reviewed Jurassic Park III and its immediate predecessor, I will go on to do the rest in the series that I have yet to cover.  I am sorry if my lack of enthusiasm disappoints you if you are a fan of these films.  If you are, then perhaps you can explain what makes this one good.