Sometimes when deciding what movie to review, you have to go with the more popular choice.  Do not get me wrong.  One of my goals for The Legionnaire, as laughable as this might seem, is to review nearly every film.  I put that caveat in there because there are some choices I will not look at, their title and or perceived content saying everything one needs to know about them.  Yet, while scrolling through my streaming services today, I almost put on Aliens Abducted My Parents and Now I Feel Kinda Left Out (2023).  It looks like one of those pieces that gets recognition at obscure film festivals, but not much traction past that point.  A few slots down from it was today’s example, Just Married (2003), starring Ashton Kutcher and Brittany Murphy.  Those are big time names that you, dear reader, likely recognize, so here you go.  Perhaps one day I will circle back to the other one.

Though Tom Leezak (Ashton Kutcher) and Sarah McNerney (Brittany Murphy) are still technically Just Married, we start with them returning from the honeymoon.  It is immediately apparent that it did not go well.  On their way out of the airport, they basically commit assault and battery against each other.  They are about to take separate cars to get away from each other as soon as possible, but she has no money for a taxi and needs a ride.  They manage to make it to the palatial McNerney estate, the result of her dad, Mr. McNerney (David Rasche), owning the Los Angeles Dodgers and Los Angeles Lakers.  Sarah goes inside while Tom speeds off, taking out some flower pots as he leaves.  Sarah’s sister, Lauren McNerney (Monet Mazur), is the one who greets a distraught Sarah.  As for Tom, he eventually goes to work where he is asked what happened.  The rest of this is told as a backstory as this question is answered.  They started out well enough, meeting by chance when an errant beachside football toss by Tom hits Sarah in the head.  She takes it in stride, and their relationship quickly blossoms.  From this square Catholic’s point of view, “quickly blossoms” may be misleading.  They have sex the first day they meet, and move in together a month later.  This ill-advised move is followed up by another one on both their parts.  The first comes when he accidentally lets her dog jump out of the window of their apartment, leading to the canine’s death.  He does not have the courage to tell her what happened, and he is given a few chances.  The second comes when she is about to admit to having once slept with Peter Prentiss (Christian Kane), a handsome guy that works for Mr. McNerney, but is distracted by Tom’s inability to hide a secret.  Whatever it is that happens, Sarah and Tom decide to get married after nine months of dating.  This time frame, along with their relatively young ages, are factors that the McNerneys stress to the lovebirds, but they remain determined to go through with their marriage.  Following their wedding night, they get on a plane and head to Europe.  This is when you see them fighting for the first time, though they do their best to harmoniously handle the challenges that start occurring.  They get a rental car that is too tiny, they nearly burn down the French castle in which they are staying, and they get stuck in the snow while trying to find different accommodations.  They spend the night in their cramped vehicle, and the next morning a perturbed local backs into their car and knocks it over the side of the mountain.  As such, they are in need of a tow truck to provide transportation to Venice, their next stop.  Citing dwindling funds, Sarah proposes that they ask her father for help.  Out of pride, Tom denies the request, insisting they stay some place his own dad, Mr. Leezak (Raymond J. Barry), recommended.  This hovel of a hotel turns out to be a terrible idea, leading to Sarah insisting they get some assistance from her family.  Thus, they get a first-class room, and try to settle in to doing the kinds of things you expect from a young couple.  Here, too, there are a few more troubled incidences.  While Tom is committed to having a good time, he is also feeling the need to keep up with sports back in the United States.  When they pass by an American style bar playing a Dodger game, he insists on going in to watch.  She is disappointed, but she feigns understanding how important this is to his future as a sports broadcaster.  While she sees the sites alone, she runs into Peter.  He says he is there on business for Mr. McNerney, but it is evident he has come to disrupt the newlyweds.  When Sarah and Tom reunite back at their room, she tells him that Peter is staying in the same locale.  It is at this point that they finally admit to each other what they have been keeping secret.  In anger, they once more go their separate way, Tom back to the bar and Sarah out with Peter.  Tom ends up returning first with a very forward woman that claims to have a suite on the same floor as him.  She jumps on top of him as soon as they are in private, but is warded off when he says he is on his honeymoon.  He witnesses Sarah return with Peter, who tries to kiss her before she slaps her former lover.  Once they are alone, they accuse each other of infidelities, and we are basically back to where the film began.  Tom goes to talk to his dad, who reminds his son about how much work is a marriage and the genuine love he sees between Sarah and Tom.  Tom then promptly drives to the McNerney residence and attempts to ram the absurdly strong front gate when Sarah’s family will not let him onto the property.  It is Sarah that comes down and opens the entrance when she sees his declaration of love on the security cameras.  Presumably, they live happily ever after.

When considering watching Just Married, I thought it might yield some decent things for me to say about the Catholic perspective on marriage.  It did not disappoint, but I was distracted by a specific moment during Sarah and Tom’s stay at the castle.  The overarching theme of the film, which is in line with Church teaching, is that being a wedded couple takes work.  Mr. Leezak underscores this well when he tells his son that the bad moments you share with your spouse are usually not the ones that end up in a photo album.  How you handle these challenges is a test that God allows you to overcome for the sake of strengthening what He has joined.  Since such attitudes are not the sole purview of Catholicism, I will instead focus on those aspects that are which caught my attention.  The one I mentioned that took place in the castle involves a group of nuns who, as best I can tell, are also staying at this extravagant resort as if on vacation.  Since the overwhelming majority of female religious take a vow of poverty (none come to mind who do not), my brain did an Amy Winehouse and said, “No, no, no. . . .”  Not all nuns do this, but when they travel, they typically stay with other members of their order because their orders have convents or monasteries around the world.  Let us not forget that Catholicism is a global religion, and you might be surprised by how many representatives of their different branches are happily living near you.  Since I studied such images extensively while writing my dissertation, I can tell you that this odd addition was done in order to add to the foreignness of the setting.  Had they not been inserted into a few scenes, you might have wondered if you were looking at some swanky hotel in Beverly Hills, perhaps.  This is part and parcel of the alien nature with which Catholics have been viewed in this country.  This is so ingrained into our culture that I am guessing those making this film did it without thinking twice about what they were conveying.  Yet, there is an even more overt moment when Mr. McNerney and Peter remark on Tom’s Polish heritage, calling him a “Polack.”  This is a derogatory term derived during the nineteenth century when millions of Catholics, Polish people prominent among them, immigrated to the United States.

I am sorry, but these are the kinds of things I think about while watching a movie like Just Married.  I am sure that those behind the camera did not put as much thought into it, though outside of the topics discussed in the last paragraphs, it is mostly harmless.  The overall content also evidences the lack of forethought.  So, meh.