There are many movies about which I can say that when I first saw them, I was in a different place in my spiritual life.  It is a point I have also made when reviewing other selections.  The only reason I repeat this here is to explain how this guided choosing Bad Teacher (2011).  I recall seeing it in the theater, and maybe a time or two at home, but forgetting about it as one does after looking at as much cinema as I do.  My forgetfulness is key.  My faulty memory told me that the main character, Elizabeth Halsey (Cameron Diaz), the worst middle school teacher you can imagine, saw the error of her ways through the inspiration of a higher calling.  While I cannot say that is what happens here, the story still lacked the epiphany my brain told me occurs.  Along the way, there is a whole bunch of inappropriate material that is meant to be funny, but is more sad than anything else until Elizabeth finally gets it.  She does not become the saint this Catholic reviewer might hope, but at least she becomes happier with her physical appearance?

It is not immediately apparent that Elizabeth is a Bad Teacher.  It is the end of the most recent school year, and Principal Wally Snur (John Michael Higgins) announces to the rest of the faculty that she will not be back next year.  She wanly smiles as they toast champagne, and as quickly as possible, jumps in her Mercedes, lights a joint, and burns rubber out of the parking lot, narrowly missing a school bus while backing out.  She returns home to her fiancé, Mark (Nat Faxon), a wealthy individual whom she is marrying for his money.  After she says something aggressively sexual before she realizes that her future mother-in-law (Stephanie Faracy) is present.  Mark, at his mother’s prompting, dumps Elizabeth.  Thus, three months later, Elizabeth is back to teaching, pulling up to school in a considerably less expensive car.  She casually ignores the overly enthusiastic teacher across the hall from her, Amy Squirrel (Lucy Punch).  Indeed, her intention is to not pay attention to anyone until the amicable fellow faculty member Lynn Davies (Phyllis Smith) offers to buy her lunch.  It is at this meal that Elizabeth makes the unfortunate decision to get a breast enhancement, thinking this will be the only way to attract the same kind of sugar daddy situation she sought with Mark.  He potential mark (pun intended) comes in the form of Scott Delacorte (Justin Timberlake).  He is the heir to a watchmaking fortune, but works as a substitute teacher because he is sensitive (I guess?), and he is everything that Russell Gettis (Jason Segel) is not.  This last guy is the physical education instructor, and he is more grounded and genuinely attracted to Elizabeth.  That “more grounded” part should be read as poor, and on an educator’s salary.  Of course, so is Elizabeth, which means she does not have the $10,000 she needs for her operation in order to snag Scott . . . at least not yet.  While she does not care to give any classroom instruction, she finds ways of using the school to fund her desired surgery.  The first comes when she finds out the seventh grade does an annual car wash to raise money.  Dressing up in a skimpy outfit, she personally overseas tending to the vehicles, taking in the tips for herself.  She also removes cans out of the garbage to cash in, as well as clothes from the lost and found to sell at a thrift store.  Amy becomes suspicious of Elizabeth’s behavior, and uses Sasha Abernathy (Kaitlyn Dever) as a spy, a student in both the teachers’ classes.  Through Sasha, Amy learns that Elizabeth has been showing movies every day since the beginning of the year, and smokes marijuana in the parking lot.  Though most of this information falls on deaf ears with Principal Snur, Amy is able to be more successful romantically with Scott.  This makes Elizabeth more determined to get her breasts done.  A possible boost to this cause comes when she learns that the teacher whose class gets the highest state test scores gets a $5,700 bonus.  Suddenly, she begins applying the curriculum to her students, much to their horror.  Yet, when she gets the results of their first quiz back, she finds that they are not absorbing the material enough for the results she needs.  So, naturally, she looks up the state testing office and invites the person in charge of administering the exam, Carl Halabi (Thomas Lennon), for drinks.  Promising him something, er, “more” in his office, she spikes his wine so that he passes out, takes incriminating photographs (for later use), and steals the answers.  While we do not see how she uses this information, it comes as no surprise to her, unlike everyone else, that her class does so well.  Next, when Amy makes another round of passive aggressive comments about Elizabeth’s triumph, the former rubs an apple with poison ivy and sneaks it onto the latter’s desk.  This means that Elizabeth is now free to go on the class field trip to the state capital with Scott instead of Amy, whose face is now marred.  However, between Russell underscoring Scott’s flakiness, and an extremely awkward love scene, Elizabeth realizes that Scott is not the right guy.  Meanwhile, back home Amy tries to go through Elizabeth’s desk to find incriminating evidence to get Elizabeth fired.  This involves switching furniture since Elizabeth keeps her drawers locked.  Once Amy gets them open, she discovers a link to Carl, and brings her findings to Principal Snur and the school board.  Carl is taken care of with the aforementioned photos.  Also, Elizabeth notices the desk swap before her meeting with the powers-that-be.  As such, she is able to suggest that Amy is a drug user, and the police dogs go straight for Amy’s classroom.  Thus vindicated, she finally gives into Russell’s advances.  We close with Amy being sent to the worst school in the state, and Elizabeth returning the next Fall as a guidance counselor.

In movies like Bad Teacher, you start off with a character that, as with Elizabeth, is amoral, but eventually comes around to a different point of view.  As indicated earlier, I thought this was the case here, but I have to say that I am mistaken.  The most progress you can say takes place is that she goes from being a gold digger to living in sin with Russell.  There is no proof that they are living together, but whatever the nature of their relationship, it does not seem appropriate to this square Catholic.  Neither is the advice Elizabeth gives in her role as a supposedly responsible adult worthwhile.  The focus of her poor counsel is Garrett Tiara (Matthew J. Evans), an uncouth boy who wears the same hoodie every day and writes love poetry to his crush, Chase Rubin-Rossi (Kathryn Newton).  Instead of being supportive, Elizabeth gives the teenager what she sees as cold truth.  While I would not say that the Catholic way is to coddle people, neither does it deliver its message in a way that might hurt feelings.  The common expression for what I am getting at is speaking the truth in love, which is closer to what Jesus did.  Now, there are some passages in the Bible that have Jesus taking a more hardline stance in certain instances.  Indeed, in Matthew 18:8-9, Jesus suggests that if a certain body part causes you to sin, then it should be removed.  There have been few Christians over the years who have taken this passage literally, though the explanation that it is better to go into Heaven maimed than experience eternal punishment of your whole body because of sin bears some thought.  Yet, it does not get to that point with Elizabeth and Garrett.  She tells him that his love will never be fulfilled no matter how many poetic verses he recites . . . before giving him her bra to make him look cool?  I am sorry, but as a former teacher, that is beyond the pale for me.  In any case, such a clothing exchange is only a temporary fix for the woundedness that Garrett feels.  The words of encouragement in a Christian sense are always meant to speak to that woundedness.  Hence, Elizabeth goes from being a bad teacher to a worse guidance counselor.

What Bad Teacher trades on is that you will laugh at the over-the-top raunchy jokes.  There is a brief pro-life moment in it, but this is not enough to change my mind.  Besides those, there is drug use and nudity.  In other words, there is no good reason to watch it.  If only my memory were better, I might have avoided this one.