One of the things I look for when watching films to review for The Legionnaire is some kind of lesson that, even if it does not directly invoke the Divine, I can reinterpret for you to hopefully lead you closer to God.  Put differently, I wonder to myself what have I learned?  The only saving grace of Burn After Reading (2008) is that it answers this exact question at the very end just before the credits begin rolling.  In a word: nothing.  Between then and the start of this literally sad (I am not being facetious) and difficult to follow mess is a tale of awful people doing awful things to one another.  If you ever want a treatise on how not to be a Christian, do not watch this movie but instead read what follows.

With a title like Burn After Reading, it should not come as a shock that this tale of woe commences in Langley, Virginia, more commonly known as the headquarters for the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA).  Specifically, analyst Osborne Cox (John Malkovich) is told by his boss, Palmer DeBakey Smith (David Rasche), that Osborne is being relieved of his duties and reassigned to the State Department.  Osborne does not take this news well, and is told it is because he has a drinking problem.  Instead of facing what he feels is the ignominy of being transferred, he completely resigns from government work.  Thus he is home early to surprise his wife, Dr. Katie Cox (Tilda Swinton).  Instead of being supportive and asking as to the meaning of her husband’s sudden appearance, she immediately berates him for not bringing home supplies for a dinner party they are hosting that evening.  It is at this soiree that we meet Harry Pfarrer (George Clooney).  Even though he is married to renowned children’s book author Sandy Pfarrer (Elizabeth Marvel), the former personal bodyguard turned Treasury Department employee is having an affair with Katie.  Now that we have met these people and have gotten a sense of their terrible inter-personal dynamics, it is time to be introduced to a completely different set of characters.  The important ones are Linda Litzke (Frances McDormand), Chad Feldheimer (Brad Pitt), and their manager, Ted (Richard Jenkins).  These three all work at a gym.  If you are familiar with Planet Fitness, then you have the idea.  Linda is the first of these we encounter as she goes through an appointment with a cosmetic surgeon (Jeffrey DeMunn).  She feels that her job requires her to present a body image that working out can no longer obtain for her.  Her health insurance, though, sees these expensive operations as frivolous and will not pay for them.  Ted, who offered this Catholic a glimmer of hope when it is revealed that he is a former Greek Orthodox priest, says that their company will not advance her paycheck in order to have the procedures done.  Her good friend Chad is sympathetic, and believes he has a solution when maintenance brings him a disc containing information he thinks is highly classified CIA information.  Some backtracking is needed.  Interspersed before this moment we are given scenes of Katie going to a lawyer and being told to provide information on Osborne’s financial situation in preparation for a divorce.  She wants to get these proceedings underway so that she can have an open relationship with Harry.  For his part, he carries on a number of trysts, including one with Linda, all of which Katie and Sandy are unaware.  I told you this was sordid.  Because of Linda’s lack of confidence, she becomes attached to the debonair Harry, which drives her to go along with Chad’s plan to extort Osborne for the return of the information Chad and Linda have.  Being the seasoned operative that Osborne is, he angrily tells them to go away, but agrees to meet with them when they mention the name of the Belgrade section chief.  It is Chad that shows up and demands the money while claiming to be a “Good Samaritan.”  Somebody should have probably read Luke 10:25-37 on set for that particular parable, but I digress.  Osborne, though, turns the tables when he points out that Chad and Linda are committing a crime and that they should go to jail.  With that, Chad and Linda get nothing.  Undeterred, they decide to take the disc to the Russians.  Initially, they tell the Russians that this is only a fraction of the information in their possession.  When the Russians ask for more, basically calling their bluff, Chad is forced to break into the Cox residence.  Unfortunately, he is there when Harry returns from a post coitus run.  Harry is startled to find Chad hiding in the bedroom closet, reflexively drawing his gun and killing the would-be burglar.  Eventually, Harry goes to Linda for comfort, especially when he learns that Sandy is also in the process of separating from him.  Yet, he becomes suspicious of her when she informs him about Chad, the man Harry had just murdered.  With all the people he has noticed or imagined following him, he decides to take off for Venezuela.  Meanwhile, as a part of the legal actions undertaken by Katie, she has confiscated all the money in Osborne’s bank account . . . I guess.  Whatever it is that happened, he thinks she did it and decides to break in to his former residence to obtain what he thinks he is owed.  While there, he finds Ted in the basement.  Because the manager evidently has a crush on Linda, he has allowed himself to get swept up in this mania to try to help her get more information.  He is brutally killed by Osborne for his efforts.  Osborne, apparently, is not long for this world either.  As we close, Palmer is summarizing all this for his confused superior (J. K. Simmons), who is less concerned with the details than the fact that all the relevant people are either dead or silenced.  The end.

One of the things I kept hoping for in Burn After Reading was a character that I could root for instead of the rest of these murdering sociopaths.  As mentioned in the last paragraph, the closest I got was Ted.  It is not solely that he used to be a priest, though that fact can work two ways.  It is not mentioned why he stopped being a member of the clergy, so you can speculate all you want.  Whether it was for nefarious reasons, or that he was simply called to a different life, is immaterial.  He did not seem like a somebody prone to the former of those categories.  What can be appreciated about him is his kindness.  This is found less in the favors he does for Linda.  After all, they eventually get him killed.  He does appear to be lonely, and unfortunately you have a woman like Linda who does not care who she hurts in order to obtain funds for her surgeries.  It is more in how he responds to these desires that we have a kernel of Christian charity.  He reminds her that she does not need to have this work done to her body, and that she is beautiful as she is.  This is a wonderful message, though one society tends to overlook because it sounds cliché.  You will never be good enough if you look at yourself simply in societal terms.  Luckily, how God sees us is far more complex and deeper than we could ever hope to understand.  It is good that Ted is on hand to say what he does to Linda.  The problem is that she is too broken to hear it, or understand the gift she has in Ted.  Instead, she is more concerned with her appearance and impressing guys like Harry.  God does not need to be impressed.  He loves us no matter our body type.  What is perhaps even more sad than any of the terrible things these people do to one another is the fact that so many do not care about how God sees them.

To go along with the profligacy and violence, there is a lot of bad language in Burn After Reading.  It is a confusing, horrid movie, though blessedly short.  That is the only thing for which I am thankful in connection to this film, its brevity.  Regardless, do not watch it.