For the record, by Catholic calculations, not even the beginning of Advent is the actual start of the Christmas season.  The holiday was, and is, to mark the birth of Jesus.  I know I will say this again before I get to the end of my yearly seasonally appropriate film fest.  As such, we cannot really call it Christmas until December 25^th.  For us Catholics, the period does not end until January 12^th, 2025, with the Feast of the Baptism of the Lord.  For you canny Christians out there who might say, wait, how could Jesus be born on December 25^th and then be Baptized a few weeks later as an adult?  Clearly, there were some years that went by between the two events.  At any rate, this means that I should technically not be viewing movies like The Naughty Nine (2023) until the correct date.  Consider me commencing on the first day of Advent my one concession to the broader public.  The streaming services from which I consume most of the titles I look at were populating feeds with holiday offerings as soon as Halloween ended.  Not this Catholic reviewer, and today’s pick failed to change my mind on the matter.

One can see early on why Andy Steele (Winslow Fegley) would be one of The Naughty Nine since we meet him in the principal’s office for his latest infraction.  It turns out that it is all part of a ruse on the part of him and his best friend, Dulce Gutierrez (Camila Rodriguez), to break into the school’s repository of confiscated items.  During the hug he exchanges with the principal, he slips the keys out of her pocket.  With a few close calls and some misdirection, they manage to get the goods out the door where they sell the products back to their rightful owners.  Andy uses his share of the proceeds to buy a video game for a console he does not yet possess.  Dulce’s incredulousness is answered by his back-up plan: a letter to Santa Claus (Danny Glover).  Upon getting home, Andy’s sister, Laurel Steele (Madilyn Kellam), reports to their parents about her brother having to go before the school administrator.  Because the Steeles believe their son to be innocent in all ways, they do not take the accusation seriously, especially when Andy claims it was to fix a problem with the Wi-Fi.  Soon, it is Christmas, and an excited Andy gets everyone up to open presents.  Laurel has a new leotard for her gymnastics that apparently came from Jolly Ol’ St. Nick, but there is no video game system for Andy.  Feeling the sting of being on the long rumored naughty list, he decides the entire system is not fair.  In discussing this with Dulce, he feels the only way to right this perceived wrong is to break into Santa’s workshop in the North Pole and take what is rightfully his.  The first step in pulling off this laughable scheme is for Andy and Dulce to go see their computer whiz classmate Lewis Sobong (Anthony Joo).  He is not among Kris Kringle’s rejects judging by the fancy computer he asked for, but he is willing to help them track down the location of the North Pole.  From there, he assembles a Danny Ocean-esque (not pictured, George Clooney) team of children who each possess various skills he needs for a successful heist.  They need not be enumerated, particularly one, and will be discussed as needed.  By this point, if you are like me, you are telling yourself that there is no way a group of nine kids are going to be able to travel the vast distances alone, then (also like me) you would be mistaken.  They do so by enlisting the equally improbable help of Bruno (Derek Theler), a pilot who flies out of the airport at which Anthony’s dad works.  Only somebody dimwitted would agree to take minors by himself across international borders, or someone who is keen to prove that his plane had clipped one of Santa’s flying reindeer.  If you picked both, you guessed correctly.  There is a last-minute switch in the line-up, though, when uppity gymnast Bethany (Liyou Abere) quits when her parents buy her the phone she did not receive from Father Christmas.  The only other person with the requisite dexterity is Laurel, who Andy convinces to go by playing on his sister’s rivalry with Bethany.  Thus, we have the roster ready to go, and they make a landing at Santa’s airport, which is a thing in this movie.  From there, they split up, with Andy, Dulce, Jon Dizon (Deric McCabe), and Laurel being the ones to break into Santa’s workshop.  There are the expected kid-adjacent hijinks, blah, blah, blah.  When they get into the vault where the undelivered presents are stored, Laurel spots the cell phone Bethany did not get and takes it.  As everyone is making their mad dash back to the plane that is about to take off without them, the rule-following Laurel remarks about how good it feels to take what she wants.  It is at this point that Andy realizes he has gone too far and decides to get the others on the plane before turning himself into the Santa police.  Andy is brought before the Big Guy and bargains with him, saying he will take a lifetime of not getting anything from the North Pole if the others can be removed from the naughty list.  Because the others have come to appreciate his leadership, they make Bruno turn around to get Andy.  Santa sees the nobility of their gestures and forgives all before returning them home.  We end a year later with Andy once more being summoned to the principal’s office, but this time it is Santa with a mission for him and his friends.

I guess the finale of The Naughty Nine means there is going to be a sequel?  With the inclusion of the numbers in the title, are they going for an Ocean’s theme?  Should we trust a kid like Andy so prone to lying?  Ugh, way to start the holiday season of movies, Albert.  The practical side of me found a lot of problems with the film, but the same can be said from a Catholic perspective.  Like many of its cinematic cousins that feature the figure loosely based on St. Nicholas of Myra, they imbue Santa with god-like powers.  It is my distaste for such portrayals that had me agreeing with the kids as they railed against the naughty list.  Who is this mythical figure think he is anyway, judging the merits of people based on standards that are not Biblically sound?  On the other hand, one can make the argument that his advice to Andy about choosing to be good on a daily basis is sound.  When people think about the enormity of what it takes to get into Heaven, it can feel daunting and impossible.  As such, why worry about the rules and instead do what feels good?  In this way, I will at least give credit to Andy for seeing the error of his ways.  The best way of approaching it, like any big project in life, is to break it down into manageable portions.  If it feels like doing right even over the course of just one day is too much, try going moment-to-moment.  However you slice it, remember that God is with you always, not some mythical gift-giver whose frightening catchphrase evinces comparisons to stalking.  My apologies for the editorialization.  My annoyance is directed at depictions of Santa that ignore, like this film, the true purpose of Christmas.  It may hit the right marks in some places, but it is still a load of crap.

More narrowly, while Andy’s is heroic when it matters in The Naughty Nine, I was struck by his almost complete lack of redeeming qualities at any point up until what he sees happening with Laurel.  I need something more with which to sympathize, and this kid is not it.  Anyway, on to the next one and let us hope for something better.