There are Christmas movies, and there are Christmas movies.  That probably does not make sense.  What I have noticed this year in my daily quest of watching seasonal films from the beginning of Advent to the end of the liturgical Christmas season is that there are production companies that churn out this kind of material like widgets in a factory.  If you are thinking Hallmark is the main culprit in this sea of Holiday cinematic sludge, you are not entirely mistaken, but there are others.  Netflix, for example, is not innocent in this cookie cutter approach to making these flicks.  Then there are the major studios who, every once in a while, put out their own entries that, while they have a little more production value, are rarely distinguishable from their straight to streaming cousins.  The artificial intelligence (AI) responsible for populating menus for Amazon Prime and others cannot tell the difference between a Holiday film make by Hallmark or Warner Brothers.  Hence, this is why there are Christmas movies, and there are Christmas movies.  Today, I am here to say that Deck the Halls (2006) is a Christmas movie.

In the fictional Massachusetts town of Cloverdale, it is optometrist Dr. Steve Finch (Matthew Broderick) who the community turns to in order to Deck the Halls.  When he is not helping his patients with their eyesight, he lives for when December 1^st comes around and it is time to bring out the Christmas calendar.  His family leads busy lives, and he is the person in charge of Cloverdale’s seasonal celebration.  It is on that date that his annual routine is upset with Buddy Hall (Danny DeVito) and family moving into the house across the street.  Their first introduction is not the best, with Buddy coming over to introduce himself and surreptitiously stealing Dr. Finch’s coffee and newspaper.  Such behavior is typical of Buddy, who with his wife, Tia Hall (Kristin Chenoweth), and twin daughters, Ashley (Kelly Aldridge) and Emily Hall (Sabrina Aldridge), relocates every few years when he gets bored with whatever he is currently pursuing.  He feels a competition with the more successful Dr. Finch, which is accentuated when Buddy discovers that his house could be seen from satellites in outer space.  Yet, Dr. Finch points out that there is nothing remarkable about Buddy’s house, and thus will never be noticed by those machines in orbit.  Truly, this is the chosen MacGuffin.  Wanting to make something of himself, and to prove to his wife that he can follow through on something, Buddy makes it clear that he is going to put enough lights on his home that it will be noticed by a global monitoring organization called MyEarth.  Dr. Finch, for some reason, feels threatened by Buddy, seeing the newcomer as trying to take over his position as the local Christmas expert.  As such, at every opportunity, Dr. Finch tries to sabotage Buddy’s efforts, who is also stealing electricity from Dr. Finch to power the dazzling display.  In response, Dr. Finch sneaks over to the Hall residence and puts ice into their circuit breaker, shorting it.  This only slows Buddy for a moment, who unveils a massive new generator.  In the morning, Dr. Finch finds a new Christmas tree in his living room, and a recent model car in his driveway.  A note from Buddy indicates this has been done to make up for the wrong foot on which their relationship started.  Yet, it turns out that Buddy had stolen the town’s tree, and then gives Dr. Finch a bill for the vehicle with the proviso that if it is not paid for by noon, it would be reported as stolen.  Feeling that relations have reached a breaking point, Buddy and Dr. Finch make a deal: if Buddy can defeat Dr. Finch in a speed skating race at WinterFest, then Dr. Finch will pay for the vehicle; if Dr. Finch triumphs, Buddy must take down his lights.  Buddy is triumphant in a scene that is supposed to be funny, but he finds that his house has yet to register with the objects watching the Earth.  His next move is to forego going into his job, and to pawn Tia’s priceless vase, a gift from her grandmother, in order to fund the most outlandish display of lights of which you can imagine.  When she learns of his treachery, she departs with their daughters.  Dr. Finch is similarly obsessive.  He buys a trunk load of illegal fireworks, aims them all across the street, and shoots them one-by-one at Buddy’s house.  Once more, because this is meant to be funny, the biggest of these pyrotechnics finds a way down Dr. Finch’s chimney and lights his living room on fire.  When all he can do is blame it on Buddy, Dr. Finch’s wife, Kelly Finch (Kristin Davis), takes their two children to stay in the same motel as the Halls and attempt to make the best of a disastrous Christmas.  This leaves Buddy and Dr. Finch alone for the Holidays, and they realize it is not a situation they enjoy.  Dr. Finch finds Buddy taking down all his lights and various accoutrements, but they forgive each other and come up with a different plan for them.  They string them along a path that leads from the motel back to the Hall residence, and there Buddy and Dr. Finch beg for forgiveness.  It is given, but Dr. Finch has one more gift for Buddy.  Having called everyone in town, he gets them all to donate as many Christmas decorations as possible for Buddy to make good on his dream of beaming into space.  Everyone is happy.  The merciful end.

I do not normally discuss the words of other critics, but Deck the Halls warrants it.  Famed reviewer Richard Roeper said of this dud: “You can’t believe how excruciatingly awful this movie is. It is bad in a way that will cause unfortunate viewers to huddle in the lobby afterward, hugging in small groups, consoling one another with the knowledge that it’s over, it’s over — thank God, it’s over. […] Compared to the honest hard labor performed by tens of millions of Americans every day, a film critic’s job is like a winning lottery ticket. But there IS work involved, and it can be painful — and the next time someone tells me I have the best job in the world, I’m going to grab them by the ear, fourth-grade-teacher-in-1966-style, and drag them to see Deck the Halls.”  That is all specific to Roeper, but the moment that had this Catholic relating to this sentiment takes place in a church.  Kelly and Tia manage to convince their husbands to make amends, which they do while watching a show during WinterFest.  This involves three women in skimpy Santa costumes cavorting on stage.  Buddy and Dr. Finch begin ogling the dancers until they realize it is their daughters.  They react by finding a Catholic church, going inside, and using the Holy Water to douse the evil out of their eyes.  There is so much wrong with this sequence.  Never mind the awkwardness of sexualizing their daughters, how did they not know this was about to happen?  Next, Holy Water should not be used in a comedic fashion.  The barest number of kudos can be given Buddy and Dr. Finch for fleeing to a place of worship, but their actions leading up to this move, and during it, are reprehensible.  Finally, they take it as an opportunity to renew their feud.  Jesus, the light of the world, came into it to end divisions among men.  Of course, merely being in the presence of a Tabernacle is not enough to effect a change of heart between two people.  We have to cooperate with the Holy Spirit, which is a pretty good definition of what it means to have a relationship with God.  This movie does not have a clue about any of this, or anything.

The only good part of Deck the Halls is the end, not simply because it is over, but because they manage to get in a rendering of “O Holy Night.”  Like it says in the song, your soul will feel its worth by doing anything else other than watching this movie.  It is pretty bad.