There has been a film that I have been avoiding for a few reasons.  First, I have seen parts of it, and I do not recall anything good about it from a Catholic perspective.  Second, it is of the fantasy genre, among my least favorite group of movies, second only to horror.  Along with the first two, there is my inability to give it a fair assessment.  I try to be as open as I can be while always looking out for my soul’s wellbeing when it comes to cinematic content.  The picture I am speaking about is Conan the Barbarian (1982).  It almost demands being addressed because it is what first drew attention to Arnold Schwarzenegger as an actor.  Previously, he had been known simply for his muscles, and he brings plenty of them into the role.  My hesitation is because of the hokeyness and a whole host of images I would rather not see.  Thus, look at what follows as a purging of the system.

Actually, there is a system being discussed at the beginning of Conan the Barbarian.  The young version of the title character (Jorge Sanz) is discussing where steel comes from with his father (William Smith).  Maybe this makes some sense because the pre-credits feature a blacksmith forging a sword that dad is to wield.  He will need it because their village is attacked by the forces of Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones).  Dad dies during the raid, then Conan’s mother (Nadiuska) is beheaded in front of the boy by Thulsa himself.  The warlord has some kind of power over women that gets her to lower her guard, leading to her demise.  With that, Conan is taken as a slave where he spends the next several years growing into Arnold Schwarzenegger while pushing some kind of device around in a circle.  By the way, I do not mean to suggest that the character’s name switches.  Instead, I am trying to give you a sense of the change Conan undergoes.  Before long, he is the only one left pushing the machine, and his masters are sufficiently impressed with the mountain of a man they have created that they take him to learn to become a gladiator.  Though he is timid at first, he learns to enjoy the combat.  His reward for doing well is for him to be brought women, which is sad and inappropriate.  However, before too long, even his days in the arena become less of a challenge, so he is given his freedom.  The next scene sees him running from a pack of wild dogs, for some reason.  Finding a cave, he stumbles upon a burial chamber of some kind with a long dead king sitting on a throne.  Conan takes the sword from the bony grip and literally knocks the rust off of it.  Now he has a sword, but seemingly no other purpose.  During his wanderings, he encounters a witch (Cassandra Gava), who enchants him with her womanly wiles.  He tells her that he is seeking essentially a two-headed serpent, which is the symbol on Thulsa’s armor.  Before she goes nuts and is thrown into the fire (yes, this happens), she tells him that what he seeks can be found in the city of Zamora.  Emerging from the witch’s lair, he stumbles upon a new ally, Subotai (Gerry Lopez), who is chained up in the middle of nowhere as . . . wolf bait. . . ?  I have no other explanation than what he gives. In exchanged for being unshackled, Subotai agrees to accompany Conan.  They arrive soon thereafter at Zamora where they are pointed to a serpent tower/temple just outside of the gates.  They are about to go in when they meet Valeria (Sandahl Bergman), a female thief who is also trying to sneak into the building.  What she is after, I could not tell you, but they join forces.  Inside, Conan finds the symbol he had been looking for, as well as a great deal of jewels and other forms of wealth.  Upon escaping, our band of three spends the next few days carousing until they are summoned by the area’s ruler, King Osric (Max von Sydow).  King Osric’s daughter, the princess (Valérie Quennessen), has been taken captive by Thulsa, and the king is willing to pay whatever sum the three can name for her retrieval.  Valeria suggests they keep the money for themselves and retire to a distant land.  However, now Conan has revenge on the brain, and he ends up going to Thulsa’s Mountain of Power alone.  Before getting to the center of what is a cult that has grown up around the villain (with lots of snakes), Conan meets the wizard (Mako), who gives the warrior advice and shelter.  Conan’s first idea is to disguise himself as a priest of this strange religion and sneak into Thulsa’s lair.  Yet, before he can get close enough, he is discovered.  Under torture by Thulsa himself, Conan reveals his identity.  Thulsa’s idea for punishment is to crucify Conan.  That is about as close to Christianity as this movie comes.  Unlike Jesus, though, Conan is saved from death by Subotai and Valeria.  With some help from the wizard, they keep him from being attacked by demons overnight, which is a mystery to me why this is necessary.  In the morning, he is ready to attempt to rescue the princess.  This time, they sneak in through a side cave and are able to complete their mission.  Sadly, on the way out, Thulsa fires an arrow at them that eventually kills Valeria, who dies in Conan’s arms.  Still, they have the princess, and she provides bait for Thulsa’s forces.  With assistance from Subotai and the wizard, Conan defeats them all, but Thulsa flees back to the Mountain of Power.  Conan catches up to Thulsa there, cutting off the leader’s head in front of all his followers.  Finally, he ponders this act for a while before the film ends.

There is a post-script before the end credits for Conan the Barbarian roll that talks about other adventures he went on before concluding that they are stories for another time.  I was perplexed and relieved by this addition.  I was incredulous that they would resort to such a copout, but thankful I did not have to sit through more of the movie.  At the same time, I am not sure why this last bit should be so strange.  The rest of the proceedings are pretty bonkers.  I did not have time in my synopsis to mention the scene where Thulsa turns into a giant snake.  That might have come in handy when trying to not die at the end.  Also, after Valeria dies, her ghost stops one of the attackers from killing Conan.  Why did this not happen a second time?  I could not tell you, but this part, at least, is not without precedent in Catholic history.  While I am not aware of any instance where a saint stopped a sword thrust, part of the reason these holy men and women reach such a vaunted status in the Church is by intervening in our lives.  Usually, these are in the form of a miracle, something extraordinary that occurs because of prayers offered in that saint’s name.  I almost wanted to write “prayers to that saint,” but I am afraid that will just confuse our protestant brothers and sisters who do not understand this Catholic practice.  Indeed, sometimes when us Catholics talk about these things, they can come off as sounding like little “g” gods.  This is not the case, despite them having certain patronages that might contribute to such comparisons.  The only reason I bring this up is because the concept of gods is covered in the film.  Conan’s people believed in a god that lived under the earth, while Subotai’s followed the god of the four winds.  This was a common way for ancient, one my say “barbaric,” peoples to interpret the world around them.  Catholic saints get their patronage from some aspect of their lives.  For example, it makes sense that St. Thomas Aquinas is the patron saint of academics since he was well known for his learning.  At the same time, instead of imbuing the person who prays to them with a special power like in the movie, patron saints provide more a model for the people they inspire.

What I hope I did with this review of Conan the Barbarian is to inspire you not to watch it.  There is nothing in it that is worth putting in front of your eyeballs, and I hope it soon fades from my memory.  Between the nudity, violence, and witchcraft, it has few redeeming qualities.