The best thing I can say about Conan the Destroyer (1984) is that it has no nudity, unlike its predecessor, Conan the Barbarian (1982), which flashed copious amounts of inappropriate flesh whenever it could.  Then again, in Conan the Destroyer the title character (Arnold Schwarzenegger) running around in what amounts to his underwear could be construed as nudity.  Also, while the women are covered, that is about all that can be said about their attire.  You can call me a prudish Catholic, but what I don’t understand is why any of that is necessary.  The same can be said for the entire movie, which has the same throwaway line as the one before when, at the end, it says that there are other adventures to be told.

Despite these similarities, there are some changes in Conan the Destroyer in that he has a different companion.  This time, he is with a thief named Malak (Tracey Walter), who is counting their stolen goods while he prays in a clearing.  As Conan is on bended knee before a platform(?), a group of riders descends upon them intent on taking Conan captive.  Malak hides while Conan does his destroying.  The last two newcomers give up the original mission and approach the bare chested, sword wielding warrior with a proposition.  The one who speaks is Queen Tamaris (Sarah Douglas), and she desires Conan’s skills for a special mission.  When he refuses, he uses her magical powers to conjure an image of Valeria (not pictured), the warrior woman Conan loved and who died in the last film.  If he will help Queen Tamaris, she will bring Valeria back from the dead.  Queen Tamaris waits until she has lured Conan and Malak back to her palace to give them the particulars.  It has something to do with a prophecy involving her niece, Princess Jehnna (Olivia d’Abdo), who is destined to retrieve the jeweled horn of their god, Dagoth.  It also involves having to first fetch a different gem, which will point the way to the horn.  This is the public portion of the plan.  In private, Queen Tamaris takes her right-hand man Bombaata (Wilt Chamberlain) aside and gives him further instructions.  As soon as they retrieve the horn, Bombaata is to murder Conan.  Further, along the way, Bombaata is to ensure Princess Jehnna remains a virgin, which is essential to sacrificing her once they reattach Dagoth’s appendage.  On a somewhat related note, the idea of Chamberlain performing such a function for a woman is a colossal hypocrisy, but that is all I will say on the matter.  In the morning, they set off for their first destination.  Inevitably, Princess Jenna grows more interested in Conan, but he remains aloof and committed to the promise that lays at the end of his quest, which will surely be fulfilled, right?  Because part of what they are doing involves magic, their first stop is to pick up Conan’s wizard friend, Akiro (Mako).  After this, Conan also frees Zula (Grace Jones), a female raider who had been forced to fight a gang of people for her life.  In rescuing her, Zula pledges her life to Conan.  Now six strong, they reach the crystalline castle where the gem is housed.  Inside, Conan gets separated and has to fight Thoth-Amon (Pat Roach), the sorcerer that guards their prize, who turns into an invincible monster that can only be killed by destroying the mirrors surrounding the room.  Once this is obtained, it is now time to find the horn.  On this leg of the journey, they are ambushed by some of Queen Tamaris’ men, with Bombaata taking a swing at Conan.  When Conan objects, Bombaata says he does not know why the soldiers came, and that he had been trying to protect Princess Jehnna.  That night, Jehnna makes a pass at Conan, but he declares his undying love for Valeria.  Next, it is on to the temple where the horn is kept.  While making their way through it, Akiro notices symbols that seem to indicate Princess Jehnna’s fate.  Unfortunately, she goes ahead with Bombaata to obtain the item, leaving the rest to duel with the priests that are supposed to be keeping the temple free from intruders.  A secret exit is found, but Bombaata and Princess Jehnna flee through it and leave the others to fend for themselves.  Though Conan and the remaining three are able to escape, they now have to hustle to get back to Queen Tamaris’ palace in order to save Princess Jehnna.  Once they do, the long-awaited grudge match between Bombaata and Conan takes place, while they others go to Princess Jehnna’s rescue.  Because the sacrifice is prevented, Dagoth turns into a hideous monster (André the Giant) that Conan must also defeat.  Once this is all said and done, Princess Jehnna becomes queen and gives everyone in Conan’s band a job with his permission.  Finally, it comes to Conan.  Queen Jehnna asks if he rule by her side as king.  He says he wants to find his own kingdom and walks away.

That is literally how Conan the Destroyer ends.  After this, there is the note I mentioned in the introduction about how Conan has other adventures, including eventually gaining said kingdom, but we do not get to see that outcome.  It is just an aged Conan sitting on a throne and looking into the camera.  Beyond these criticisms, I am at a loss as to what to say about the film from a Catholic perspective.  There is a point at which Princess Jehnna tells Conan that she goes where she feels she is led, and I thought I might have something to discuss in the context of Faith.  You see, the notion of being led would be a sign of surrender to God’s will, of being open to the promptings of the Holy Spirit.  This is not what is happening with her at all.  Rather, it is an indication of her head strong nature, or she is just being a brat.  Take your pick, either works as an explanation.  I suppose one could say that Conan is pure of heart?  Then again, if you read a little about the making of the film, they apparently cut a lot of material from the final movie in order to make it PG.  This includes a sex scene with Queen Tamaris.  Nonetheless, he does not give in to Princess Jehnna’s advances.  He also eschews the promise of comfort and riches to stay true to his own mission.  Perhaps he is the one who is being led by the Spirit?

Of course, Conan is not being led by any spirit at any point in Conan the Destroyer.  He is a mercenary who is trying to do the impossible by resurrecting his dead lover.  When that is no longer an option, he walks away seemingly no worse for the wear.  Walking away from these films and forgetting they exist is something I recommend for you.