Though I am not the first reviewer to say this, it bears repeating: if I could give some simple advice about seeing this movie, it would be, Honey Don’t!  While viewing the trailers, I sensed a film noir theme, but with a female, Honey O’Donahue (Margaret Qualley), in the private investigator role.  I like old school, but I also feared, and rightly so as it turned out, the content it would contain.  This has less to do with the filming style, and more with the fact that it was co-written and directed by Ethan Coen.  Today’s film is the second in a proposed trilogy of lesbian B movies.  Setting aside the sexuality, which this Catholic has talked about in other reviews, why anyone would want to aim for B status is puzzling.  The previous sentence also explains my trepidation going into it.  Having said all this, stick with me here as I try to work out whether there is anything of value in what is otherwise a forgettable piece of cinema.

I am sure as Mia Novotny’s (Cara Patersen) car crashed over the embankment and landed upside down in the shallow valley below, she said to herself, Honey Don’t!  Then again, she likely did not think this since, as we later learn, she had already been stabbed to death before this incident.  The likely culprit, Cher (Lera Abova), works for “The French” and retrieves a stylized cross ring from Mia’s corpse.  From there, Mia skinny dips in a nearby stream before carrying on with her day.  Does any of this sound normal?  I would wonder if it did, and it gets no better.  Oh, and if you are curious as to who are “The French,” I would stop.  It has something to do with drugs.  Maybe.  Because Mia had phoned Honey before her demise, the private investigator gets a call about the apparent traffic death.  Arising from being in bed with a woman, she heads to the scene where she is greeted by Detective Marty Metakawich (Charlie Day), who works for the local constabulary.  In the middle of her cursory look at the body and the wreck, he makes yet another attempt at asking her on a date.  Her “no” is an answer to his proposition and Mia not being her client.  This last bit is true because Honey had never officially been hired.  After this, she goes to visit her sister, Heidi (Kristen Connolly) and her many children.  One of the eldest offspring is Corinne (Talia Ryder), whose rebelliousness leads her to seeing her boyfriend, Mickie (Alexander Carstoiu), of whom Heidi does not approve.  Meanwhile, Cher is visited by Reverend Drew Devlin (Chris Evans), the leader of a . . . church(?) that is clearly funding itself through drugs and whose pastor is a sex addict.  My Catholic sensibilities make me hesitate to call these people Christian.  Cher expresses The French concern over the need for killing Mia even though he is making money for them.  As for Mia’s case, something about it sticks with Honey and she decides to continue investigating.  This brings her to the police station and Detective Metakawich’s desk, who directs her to the evidence locker where Officer MG Falcone (Aubrey Plaza) works.  She has obtained the address where Mia used to live with her parents, but MG has also made an impression on Honey.  Following a fruitless interview with Mrs. Novotny (Kinna McInroe), Mia’ mother, Honey discovers the robes of Reverend Devlin’s church under the deceased’s bed, as well as other items inside the clothing of a sexual nature.  That night, Honey and MG are intimate, but in the morning, Corinne knocks on her aunt’s door with a black eye.  As the teenager talks about Mickie beating her, MG shows little sympathy for Corinne, who does not want to report the matter to the authorities.  With a promise never again see her abusive boyfriend, Corinne leaves and Honey goes to interview Reverend Devlin.  As Honey goes about her investigations, Corinne is completing her shift at the fast-food restaurant where she works.  Sitting there all day watching her is an old man (Kale Browne), whom Corinne finds creepy.  That night, he is at the bus stop where she is supposed to get a ride home.  As it comes to a stop, he stands up and says he loves her, and she takes off running.  The next day, Heidi phones Honey to report that Corinne is missing.  Honey puts her case on hold and says she will find her niece.  Driving around town with Corinne’s photo produces no leads.  Yet, while sitting at a different bus stop, she notices an advertisement for Reverend Devlin.  Something about its appeal to help the lost, which is an unintended joke, makes her theorize that Corinne might have taken shelter with his congregation.  Yet, when she goes to the door, she hears a gunshot.  It comes from Cher murdering Reverend Devlin, who is responsible for a number of other deaths that need not be described.  Honey returns to the precinct to share her suspicions with Detective Metakawich, who downplays the noise as being a car backfiring, though this rarely happens in the twenty-first century.  Instead, she turns to MG, but she is not at work, having asked for a co-worker to cover for her after supposedly partying all night.  Honey has her assistant, Spider (Gabby Beans), get MG’s address, particularly after the policewoman is ignoring the private investigator’s calls.  Upon ringing, there is no response, and Honey lets herself inside.  She finds a high school yearbook of MG’s that suggests she is not who she claims to be.  This is when she appears, offering tea even though she had begun to boil water in the kettle before Honey’s arrival.  Honey also notices Corinne’s green lipstick on one of the cups.  Instead of a night on the town, MG had kidnapped Corinne because the girl was too weak to stand up for herself in the cop’s opinion.  In the ensuing struggle, Honey is stabbed in the stomach, but she manages to shoot and kill MG.  Honey survives, and the final scene is of her hitting on Cher, who is on the way to the airport.

The fact that we do not get a resolution to the aspect of Honey Don’t! that involves Cher makes the entire Reverend Devlin plot thread a red herring.  The term “red herring” is cinematic phrase that means “a clue or piece of information that is, or is intended to be, misleading or distracting.”  Despite the fact that the film begins and ends with Cher, has a number of scenes with Reverend Devlin (mostly having sex), and a possible crossover when Corinne goes missing, it all is meant to unnecessarily distract you from the main story, which I guess is a few days in Honey’s life.  Though Honey is looking into Mia’s death, there is only one time on which Reverend Devlin and Honey appear on-screen together.  Cher and Honey share a few more moments, but save for the last, they are all in passing with zero interaction.  Finally, this last one has nothing to do with the case as Honey has no idea as to Cher’s identity.  There are similar moments.  In the middle of this mess, Mr. Siegfried (Billy Eichner), visits Honey’s office wanting to hire her to follow his partner to verify cheating.  She cautions him, saying he already knows the truth if he is in front of her desk, but he is insistent.  However, we never see her look into the matter, and it is resolved in a separate incident involving one of Reverend Devlin’s drug pushers selling to the partner in question, and then dying because he did not have the money and the pusher runs him over with his car.  With all of this, it points to a lack of a character arc for Honey.  I realize it might be Catholic wishful thinking to hope that she would realize the error of her ways, which almost get her killed, or maybe have a new perspective on life.  That could have been accomplished had there not be so many moments to distract the viewer from her story.

Admittedly, there is a little of her story in Honey Don’t!  In one of the numerous inappropriate scenes, Honey and MG are reminiscing about their lives.  The subject comes up about how they each realized they were lesbians, and they share about having a difficult relationship with their fathers.  I would have trouble believing Coen would not be aware of how stereotypical that is for people of that orientation to have such a background, but he put it in the movie anyway.  Interestingly, though, Honey’s father shows up at her house at one point.  He is the same old man who had seemingly stalked Corinne, making their interaction yet another red herring given that it builds up as a stalking situation, and turns into an attempt reunite with family.  Stereotype or not, the troubled father relationship is something that is clearly not healed, and such things can only be accomplished with God’s help.  We can try, and that is what Honey’s father is attempting, to his credit.  Remarkably, there are signs of God all over this film, though it is presented as something only suckers turn to in moments of need.  That is how those who become a part of Reverend Devlin’s congregation are described.  His strict message of submission reinforces the idea that they are all rubes.  To submit is Biblical, but it becomes satanic when it is to a man who is clearly only preaching as a form of self-aggrandizement.  For example, his “altar” has a picture of himself on either side.  It also may sound hypocritical for a Catholic to criticize such a message.  One common criticism of Catholicism is that we subordinate ourselves to the pope instead of God.  This is a misconception, of course, because we believe the pope sits on the Chair of St. Peter, the man to whom Jesus gave the keys of Heaven.  We also believe that it was St. Peter who started the Church and was the first pope, and that he has passed down his wisdom through the centuries to his successors.  Finally, following Church teaching is not a compulsion.  Every Catholic has the freedom to reject Her tenets, which is why we have the Sacrament of Confirmation.  In other words, God never forces us, which is what Reverend Devlin’s message seeks to do.

I also cannot force you to avoid Honey Don’t!, as much as I might wish that you would follow the advice contained in the title.  It is irreverent, pointless, and raunchy, and I hope to never again lay eyes on it.