When a film is rebooted and given a new theatrical release, I try to watch and review the original in order to give the fresh version some context.  Does this same logic apply (or matter) when it comes to a movie as bad as Anaconda?  Also, am I talking about the first or latest one?  Incidentally, this is why we put years after titles, unless they have been made in the year in which you are writing.  This is one of the advantages of addressing current cinema.  For today’s example, I did not look at 1997’s Anaconda.  I saw it years ago and do not remember much about it, but with the update coming out, the internet reminded me that the older one features Jon Voight (no relation) as Paul Sarone, who is supposed to be Latin American.  That was an interesting choice, to say the least.  The recent edition feeds into this kind of nonsense.  As a Catholic, I know that I should not be participating in making light of other’s efforts.  At the same time, it does appear that everyone (and I do mean everyone) involved had fun with it, so that is something.

There are two people up to something at the beginning of Anaconda (2025), though what that is remains unclear for now.  Ana Almeida (Daniela Melchior) insists that she needs to find something in the Brazilian jungle and ventures into it by herself as she is being chased by armed men.  We then cut to the Los Angeles, California, where struggling actor Ronald “Griff” Griffen Jr. (Paul Rudd) is promptly fired from a bit part that he had tried desperately to book.  The reason he is let go is because he cannot stick to the basic line he is given.  As he dejectedly walks through the studio lot, he stops and stares at a poster for the 1997 Anaconda.  The reason for his interest has to do with his childhood best friend and filmmaker Doug McCallister (Jack Black).  Instead of following Griff to Hollywood as they had hoped, Doug had stayed in their native Buffalo, New York, and has become mired in making videos for which his imagination is too big.  While driving home from work that night with Malie McCallister (Ione Skye), he vents his frustrations over his current work.  He is cheered, though, when he enters his house to a surprise birthday party.  Griff’s presence is a further unexpected development, and the happy shock is heightened by bringing out an antiquated television with a built-in videocassette recorder (VCR) player in which is stuck one of the movies they had made as teenagers.  The next day at lunch, Griff has one more announcement: he has obtained the rights to Anaconda.  It had been their dream as kids to make their own version of the giant snake thriller.  Yet, Doug begins listing reasons why this cannot be done.  He is thus not expcting when their two longtime friends out with them, Kenny Trent (Steve Zahn) and Claire Simons (Thandiwe Newton), voice their enthusiasm for the project.  It is only while editing yet another trite engagement clip that, with Malie’s support, Doug agrees to the project.  The script he comes up with he believes will need a $2 million budget.  Claire, who has volunteered to provide much of the funding, does not have much of that money.  Also, the bank is only going to give them a little under $10,000.  As such, they scale back their expectations a little, but proceed anyway.  This leaves some of the location scouting and other needs of the shoot to the inept Kenny, who is “Buffalo sober.”  He hires “snake expert” Carlos Santiago Braga (Selton Mello), who provides a rather large anaconda to whom he is quite attached.  They meet Carlos and the snake at the same Amazon River port in which Ana has taken refuge.  Hiding from the men after her, she sees the keys to the boat Doug and Griff have chartered and poses as its captain.  With that, it is time to shove off and begin making the movie.  Things are going swimmingly, if you will pardon the expression, until their snake is thrown overboard by a frightened Griff, who is wrestling it for a scene.  The animal gets caught in their vessel’s propellers and is chopped to bits, deeply disturbing Carlos.  Griff tries to make it up to Carlos by helping him find a new anaconda, but they do so at night after having a few beers.  As they trudge through the swamp, Griff decides he wants nothing more to do with the environment.  Carlos presses on and becomes the first victim of the title monster.  When the rest finally go looking for Carlos, this is when the people searching for Ana catch up.  They take shelter in a camper they find in the woods, but it also provides protection from the anaconda.  All this adds up to bigger problems than a lost snake handler, especially when Ana reveals that their pursuers are illegal gold miners polluting the Amazon.  Her story impresses Doug, who decides to incorporate her story into their movie.  It means a smaller role for Griff, who is not happy about the change.  However, it is everyone else’s turn to be mad at him when another boat drifts by that claims to also be filming Anaconda.  In other words, Griff had never obtained the rights as promised.  Embarrassed, he departs, but finds the other film crew having been destroyed by the apex predator.  Back with the others, when they find their way forward blocked and are about to turn around, Ana forces them off the boat.  She takes them at gun point to where she has a hoard of gold.  As it turns out, she is one of those illicit treasure seekers.  Further, the people chasing them are Brazilian police, whom Griff inadvertently shoots in a misguided attempt at rescuing his friends.  This time, they are saved by the anaconda, and from here it is about running for their lives.  At one point, in the middle of a hasty apology between Doug and Griff, Doug is swallowed whole by the giant snake.  Eventually, Doug is regurgitated, and Kenny comes up with the idea of using the director as bait for the rest to escape.  As it turns out, Doug is alive and they manage to make it to the set of the original Anaconda.  With an assist from Ice Cube as himself, but playing his character from the movie, they are able to blow up the snake and return to Bufflo.

Anaconda (2025) concludes with Doug and Griff on stage at a local film festival where they have premiered what they made while in Brazil.  There are some post-credit scenes showing Claire and Griff getting married and Jennifer Lopez, the star of the first movie, showing up at Doug’s house to offer him a chance to direct a real reboot of Anaconda.  The final one sees Carlos waking up in the jungle, apparently having been regurgitated like Doug.  In short, it is quite the zany movie, but there is a certain amount of cleverness to it.  Arguably, its cleverness comes from the fact that it never takes itself seriously.  Critics have complained that it has a problem with tone, but whenever it starts becoming too dramatic, it tosses in live pig to loosen things up.  That is not an obscure euphemism, by the way.  As part of the Kenny’s bait scheme, they strap an upchucked swine to Doug, that also turns out to be still among the living.  If you did not know this is supposed to be a comedy, you might say that such irreverence goes too far.  Indeed, at times I did not know whether to like any of these characters, which is always important for this Catholic reviewer.  What is also important from a Faith perspective is being light hearted at times.  One of the professors who served on my dissertation committee had an interesting take on this subject.  She studied representations of nuns, and she did not care for how they have been essentially trivialized in culture.  At the same time, there is something to be said about depicting members of religious orders in a setting other than the perceived dankness of the monastery.  The film’s subject matter is of a different ilk, but it adds humor to a serious subject, which makes it somewhat of the same spirit.

Speaking of spirit, that is what the characters in Anaconda (2025) show in making their movie.  That is, perhaps, being overly generous.  Another description would be foolhardy, particularly when they continue to shoot after coming face-to-snout with a giant snake.  They stick to their plan because they have a dream.  As a Catholic, I would describe that as a calling.  To resist that to which God calls us is potentially the worst thing a person can do, even beyond ignoring the threat posed by a monster anaconda.  Many times, pursuing God’s promptings can be viewed as being just as silly as what you see in the movie.  There are many instances of people responding to the deep-seated desire to join the priesthood or religious order, but having their friends and loved ones think them crazy for doing so.  Further, there are some that, when met with unexpectedly negative response, have given up on their intent to serve God and lead a different life.  While it can be considered good to heed the council of others, sometimes it must be recognized that they are not giving advice in a Godly manner.  In Matthew 16, the Apostles are presented with the seemingly insane proposition of Jesus willingly going to His death.  Peter rebukes Jesus for the thought, and in verse 23, Jesus responds with “You are not thinking as God does, but as human beings do.”  In other words, Jesus had a vision of what He must do that was not made clear to those who followed Him until after the fact.  In a smaller way, Doug and Griff have the same vision of something that is apparent to only the two of them.  Because this is a comedy, they ignore the warning signs that tell them that they should quit.  A drama would have had them giving up, but with a great deal of angst.  Either way, I can appreciate their sticktoitiveness, even if their dreams are presented in a farcical fashion.  Stick to your own callings because they might be from God.

There is little about Anaconda that is Godly.  There is a scene where the word “prayer” is said, but it is in relation to what is referred to as the “movie gods,” which is a bunch of nonsense.  Then again, so is this film, but it is mostly inoffensive nonsense.