Zardoz

Zardoz (1974) is the worst movie ever made. That is not meant to be hyperbole for comedic effect. It is intended as a plain statement of fact. I am too embarrassed to even attached my name to a review of it, so I will let you work out for yourself which of The Legionnaire‘s writers is composing this entry. A clue here would be the following anecdote. I made a terrible mistake in telling the old man I live with to pick a movie last night, any movie, so long as this blog had not commented on it. His excuse for choosing this film, both during and after (this in response to my several profanity ladened exclamations of disbelief) was that he had never seen it all the way through. After viewing it, I cannot see why anyone would want to complete this task. What will follow, then, will not be a complete rendering of the film. Instead, it will be a stern warning not to see it.

I am not going to bother trying to explain the plot of Zardoz. There is none. The things that happen in it defy explanation. There are floating heads, immortal people who do not seem to find clothing necessary, and Ireland (initially I thought it had been filmed in Scotland, but whatever). There is some kind of dystopia involved, and it tells you (hitting it as squarely on the nose as I have ever seen) that it is “Set in the year 2293.” These words actually appear on the screen, not immediately at the start, but after a few minutes of general cinematic nonsense. Before too long my face adopted a fixed mixture of horror and incredulity, and I maintained this visage throughout its runtime, punctuated only by me yelling things like, “What the (fill in the blank)?!” Honestly, I do not think it is necessary to explain this any further. I watched the whole thing, and I could not tell you exactly what happened. There is mind control, crystals, Irish manors, Sean Connery in underwear and (at one point) a wedding dress, horses, guns, and a whole host of other head-scratching moments that defy any conception of logic. It truly is the work of a lunatic.

Under no circumstances should you see Zardoz. If I had the money and the inclination, I would spend my last penny buying every copy of this film, whether it is in physical form or digital, and blast it from existence. If it were possible to send it into the sun over-and-over again, I would do so. If I could dissolve it in a vat of acid, and the fumes of which would erase it from my memory, I would. If I had anymore pennies after all this, I would open up counseling centers for anybody who has seen it. I am actually not trying to be funny. I am completely serious. There is nothing to recommend it. It is violent and basically pornographic. What in the name of all that is good and Holy in this world was this doing on a streaming service?! I will not say which one. I need to go to Confession.

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