This will not be a long review of Mardi Gras: Spring Break (2011).  Indeed, I almost shut if off before I got to the truly crude scenes, which meant there would have been no review.  You know a movie is bad when it calls out its own misogyny, and that is only part of the nearly pornographic awfulness that assault the senses in its blissfully short runtime.  I had to cover my eyes at several points, and I did so not only when there was nudity.  Because of all the terrible contained therein, I will not be following my usual format with this discussion, nor will I be sharing a trailer.  Why any streaming service would put this disgusting movie out there for anyone to see is a mystery.

What is equally mysterious is why a Catholic film reviewer would bother talking about Mardi Gras: Spring Break.  I chose it because I have a bit of experience with the city in which it is set: New Orleans.  Remarkably, the film has a line in it that summarizes my central problem with the movie and speaks to my decision to view it: Mardi Gras, which literally translates as “Fat Tuesday,” is not “Girls Gone Wild.”  From people I know who live in the city and the area, the Crescent City’s Bourbon Street is not the place to be on this day, the eve of Lent.  Lest we forget, it is supposed to be a celebration that prepares people to enter into the forty days of solemnity that precede Easter.  Instead, it has become at this time of the year and in this place an excuse for excessive debauchery, which is why locals avoid it.  In surrounding areas, there are family friendly parades designed to make people of all ages and backgrounds happy.  Amazingly enough, we are treated to such a sequence in the film, a brief respite from the rest of the insanity.  If you cannot make it to somewhere hosting this kind of event, you can likely find something near you connected to the day.  For example, my parish hosts a Mardis Gras party every year, and its incalculably tamer than anything you will see here.

Then again, one might expect a parish celebration to be tamer than Mardi Gras: Spring Break.  Another expectation you might have about the movie is that it would be filmed in New Orleans.  Please do not take the fact that it was shot there as a reason to see it.  It was part of my thinking, though, because despite the craziness, I genuinely like the city.  Bourbon Street is not always like what is portrayed here, or at least usually at a slightly less chaotic level.  To be sure, the famous “rue,” as in the French, is constantly full of drunken folly.  To put it in perspective, if Mardi Gras is the height, then a normal Wednesday in May would be about forty to fifty percent of that, though I may be exaggerating.  When I am in the city, I am never comfortable on that boulevard, and I get off of it as quickly as possible.  Besides, there is much to see that is not in any of the scenes because they are of a religious nature.  The city was founded by France, a Catholic country, and this character is still present if you know where to look.  Arguably the most famous landmark, which identifies the French Quarter specifically and the town as a whole, is St. Louis Cathedral, the home church for the diocese.  It is a welcome respite from the hustle and bustle outside.  Its neighboring buildings, too, served ecclesiastical functions until they were taken over by the government.  Further, there is an old Ursuline convent down the road that is now a museum, with a beautiful church inside.  These are all great sites to visit and pray before retiring for the night and leaving the streets for the crazies.

In short, you have to be crazy to watch Mardis Gras: Spring Break.  The title cannot even get it right since the only time the seasonal scholastic pause is mentioned is at the end.  Why?  Because Mardis Gras typically comes before those days.  As such, there is nothing of value in it, and I wrote this more to tell you about what it does not display.