There is an old saying to the effect that if you are going to do something, do it right.  It is an adage that has been passed down through the centuries in Western culture, but there are parallels all over the world.  There are Biblical parallels, too.  Colossians 3:23 reads, “Whatever you do, do from the heart, as for the Lord and not for others. . . .”  Put in a cruder form, do not half ass anything, whether it is for God or in making a movie.  If you have the misfortune of seeing Minions & Monsters, and you are an adult, you might notice references to classic Hollywood and other historical moments.  If you are blessed (or in this case, cursed) with any depth of knowledge on these topics, you will wonder why they bothered inserting these allusions.  This latest tale about the mad, little yellow . . . um, people(?) could have been set at any time and place, but they had to situate in the past, and they get practically everything wrong.

Actually, Minions & Monsters starts in the here and now with a group of people being taken on a tour of Universal Studios in Hollywood, guided by Olivia (voiced by Allison Janney).  She takes them past a number of familiar cinematic sites until they come across two of the title characters: Henry (voice by Pierre Coffin) and James (voiced by Pierre Coffin).  Olivia is shocked when nobody in her audience is aware of these apparently vital Hollywood personages.  The Minions they know, somehow, but not Henry and James by name.  From here, she sits them all down to explain how these banana loving goons came to be in Los Angeles.  Since ancient times, they have been searching for an “evil master” to serve.  By the way, that is not a practicing Catholic being dramatic, but the words used in the movie.  Why this is held up as a positive characteristic for a story aimed at children is beyond me.  At any rate, they sail the seas trying to find a “big boss” to be their leader.  Every time they settle with someone, though, Henry and James find a way to mess it up because they do not take anything seriously.  This seems a stretch because they are all buffoons, but I digress.  One of their stops involves assisting a dark wizard with a spell book that can conjure monsters.  As another Catholic public service announcement (PSA) for the kids, listen, please do not dabble in sorcery.  In this case, it loses them another overlord when the beast they bring to life disintegrates the warlock.  However, another of their number who happens to be deaf, Ed, decides to take the tome with them.  By this point, their chief, Dick (voiced by Pierre Coffin), has all but banished Henry and James, but they use their separation for further bonding.  They have also migrated to the American Southwest where they stumble upon an early Western being shot in the desert around Los Angeles.  Noticing a desperado on horseback with a sack of money over one shoulder, Dick sees the bandit as a potential new boss.  Their enthusiasm causes them to interrupt the production, much to the horror of the director, Max (voiced by Christoph Waltz).  Max is not only upset about the disruption, he has to answers to his easily angered bosses, studio heads Elwood (voiced by Jeff Bridges) and Frank Bright (voiced by Jeff Bridges).  Incredibly, as they are watching the footage, they are enthralled by the effect the Minions bring to their scenes.  Hence, Max is tasked with finding these newcomers and putting them in more films.  While Dick interprets this as finally being settled with a master, James is more thrilled by the art of it all.  While the rest go on to fame and fortune, he gets into the mechanics of how motion pictures are made.  What brings it all to a stop is the introduction of sound.  If you are not familiar with how the Minions speak, just know that it is a gibberish mix of different languages, mainly Spanish, that would not translate well to the big screen if they were real.  As such, as quickly as they rise to prominence, they fall from it and are back on the street.  As Dick and the others wonder what to do next, James has a dream of making his own monster movie.  Dick does not think this is the right move, heading into town and eventually finding an alien robot named Dort (voiced by Jesse Eisenberg) to attach themselves to, especially when the metal man talks of invading the Earth.  Meanwhile, Ed, James, and Henry seek out Max for some advice.  Max provides them a camera, but it is Ed who is able to get them the monster when he pulls out the spell book.  Wanting to use the scariest looking one, they materialize Gary Orcam Oliver Magma Ichabod the Deceiver, a massive green creature that looks like an octopus on paper.  What they get is a miniature version who goes by Goomi (voiced by Trey Parker).  Goomi is sympathetic to them for freeing him, and proceeds to bring them to a monster island where they find other, more suitably sized beasts for James’ movie.  They are Howard (voiced by Phil LaMarr) and Phillips (voiced by Bobby Moynihan), and all they want to do is destroy.  In front of Ed, Henry, and James, Goomi tells the newcomers to be good, but privately a rampage is promised.  To that end, Goomi convinces James to let them conjure one more creature, an orange blob covered in eyeballs called Irene.  Once Irene is loosed, Goomi reveals his betrayal and the former commences to consume the city.  It is Dort who saves the day, coming with a horde of flying saucers piloted by Minions to blast Irene out of existence.  The book is then used to recapture Goomi and his other friends.  Even better, Ed had been rolling the whole time, making a successful film that is titled. . . .

Minions & Monsters, as I discussed in the introduction, has many callbacks to classic cinema and history in general.  For example, as the Minions are at the controls of a runaway train that is barreling through Los Angeles when they first arrive in the city, you see such stars of silent film like Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton.  I have often heard adults who are forced to sit through these animated features tell me that the movies are really for them rather than their kids.  I wonder how many of these so-called grown-ups spotted Keaton, for instance?  There is also a moment when we see police dumping containers of booze into drains, and women protesting for the right to vote.  If you are keeping score at home, this is meant to be, respectively Prohibition and Women’s Suffrage.  This historian is here to tell you that the former did not begin until after the latter had been successful.  Yet, this movie would have you, or the children more specifically, believe that they were still seeking the franchise in 1927, a date that is mentioned at one point late in the proceedings.  Believe me, as a student of the past, I have no issues with placing the story in a historical period.  However, if you are going to do that, why not do it correctly?  Faithfulness matters, in recreating a bygone era or in how we practice a religion.  Us Catholics do things a certain way not simply for form’s sake, but because we have interpreted Scripture and Tradition as being how God would like us to worship Him.  With this in mind, we do not bring up young ones in Catholicism in a relativistic way.  Instead, we hand on the Sacraments in a fun and engaging manner that accurately transmits knowledge.

Another bit of knowledge that is transmitted in Minions & Monsters is that it is fun to mess with witchcraft.  I need to be careful with this because, as a fan of Harry Potter, I do not take issue with how those stories are told.  With them, their tone is much more cautionary, and there is a sense of responsibility that comes with wielding such power.  Further, the target audience for that series is older, meaning you can better explain to them why meddling in sorcery is a bad idea, or, more importantly, how none of that is real.  Briefly, there is only one true power, and that is God, not us.  Anything else comes from the evil one and is corrupting.  This means that nobody is qualified to contend with these powers and principalities, particularly these little yellow lunatics.  Feel from to call me an old fuddy-duddy for railing against something that is meant to be light-hearted, but the film makes my argument for me.  By wantonly conjuring these monsters, the Minions nearly bring about the destruction of the world, and definitely a portion of Los Angeles.  How many people die as a result of this gross negligence?  And if you think that is being dramatic, I counted early on at least five people, including the wizard, who are killed as a result of their actions.  Spiritually speaking, the consequences of witchcraft are a little more limited in scope, but that should not diminish the magnitude of even one soul lost to these temptations.  I may be a little out over my skis with such a deep discussion given the material, but I do not find any of this entertaining or funny.

Does this mean that watching Minions & Monsters is potentially harmful for your soul?  That is not for me to say, and every parent needs to make their own judgement calls as to what they let their children consume.  My job is to report on the contents, and I am not a fan of this stuff.