In 2019, Paris’ Cathedral of Our Lady of Paris, known more familiarly as Notre Dame, caught fire.  I was one of the horrified Catholics who watched in horror as flames rose higher on its medieval edifice.  While I tried to reassure one of my friends that it would not crumble into a pile of rubble, particularly not with modern firefighting equipment, I confess to being worried that one of the most significant Catholic churches in Christendom was about to meet a disastrous end.  Somehow, the climactic moment in today’s film, The Three Musketeers, which takes place on the building’s recently repaired roof, is worse.  Buckle up boys and girls, this Catholic historian has some choice words to say about this turkey.

Whenever you have a ridiculous beginning like that of The Three Musketeers, featuring a seventeenth century underwater breathing apparatus, you know you are in for something epically horrible.  One of the title trio, Athos (Matthew Macfadyen) emerges from the Venetian canal and slays a number of guards.  He is saved from a stray defender by his lover, Milady de Winter (Milla Jovovich), who is helping the eponymous team with their mission.  The others show up, too, and they will be introduced as needed.  They are each basically the same person, so whatever.  They break into a vault that has a number of booby traps that give the sequence a James Bond meets Indiana Jones feel, which is completely out of phase with the history and source material, but I digress.  Their goal is to obtain plans done by Leonardo da Vinci for a battleship that floats through the air, another anachronism if you are keeping score at home.  They are successful, but as they toast their heist, Milady betrays them.  As they are being lightly, non-lethally poisoned, in walks the Duke of Buckingham (Orlando Bloom), who takes the renderings back to England because he paid her to obtain them for him.  We then cut to one year later in the French countryside where young D’Artagnan (Logan Lerman) is undergoing the last of his sword lessons before he plans to travel to Paris to join the Musketeers.  The French capital he is about to enter is one that is not necessarily ruled by their monarch, King Lous XIII (Freddie Fox), but is instead governed by the scheming Cardinal Richelieu (Christoph Waltz).  Because the person sitting on the throne is young, and a dolt, Cardinal Richelieu is able to do as he pleases, and his goal is to find a way of doing away with King Louis XIII.  In Cardinal Richelieu’s view, the path for doing so lies in war with England, though he feigns desires for peace.  With a henchwoman like Milady, he summons the Duke of Buckingham for negotiations.  While they await the English aristocrat’s arrival as emissary of their King James I (not pictured), D’Artagnan finally gets to Paris.  Along the way, he has an encounter with the captain of the king’s guard, the Comte de Rochefort (Mads Mikkelsen), who mistreats the younger D’Artagnan and disdains a challenge to a duel.  D’Artagnan will not have to wait long for a fight as upon entering the city, he once again spots Captain Rochefort and goes after the erstwhile adversary.  D’Artagnan fails to catch up with his nemesis, but he manages to arrange for a duel with each of the title three.  The first is Athos, but since they are all supposed to take place at the same spot, the other two come as well.  However, before they can cross swords, the king’s guards stop them on the pretext of dueling being illegal.  The sentence is apparently to be issued immediately, leading to a massive brawl between the guards and our four heroes.  In the middle of the chaos, one of the queen’s handmaids, Constance (Gabriella Wilde), wanders through and catches D’Artagnan’s eye.  Though he is still defending himself, he also finds a moment to compliment her beauty.  She shrugs off his boyish gallantry, and walks away.  As to the four comrades, they promptly add D’Artagnan to their group based on his skill.  Despite Athos being glum about the existence of the Musketeers, or the lack thereof, they are summoned to meet King Louis XIII when word reaches him of their bravery.  They are rewarded for their feat, while also being scolded, and have their status as soldiers loyal to the king seemingly restored, I guess. . . ?  It is at this point the Duke of Buckingham lands on the palace lawn with his air battleship.  Once more, peace talks resume, but Cardinal Richelieu has Milady sneak forged love letters from their visitor into Queen Anne’s (Juno Temple) desk, and steal the jewels given to her by the king.  When the missives are found and shown to King Louis XIII, Cardinal Richelieu suggests that the Duke of Buckingham might be responsible.  To prove that Queen Anne is true, Cardinal Richelieu also puts forward the idea that she wears the jewels in question at an upcoming ball in five days.  Overhearing all this is Constance, who goes to D’Artagnan and the others to get them to retrieve the items from the Duke of Buckingham.  The battle, which takes place at the Tower of London (or what this movie laughingly labels as the famous English landmark) is actually a ruse because Athos realizes that Milady still has the diamonds.  As such, once they commandeer the Duke of Buckingham’s blimp, they pick up the double agent on their way back to France.  She jumps out over the English Channel, but they are about to have a bigger problem.  The Comte de Rochefort intercepts them in his own improbable vehicle, and this is the fight that ends on top of Notre Dame.  There is the inevitable duel between D’Artagnan and the Comte de Rochefort that also takes place on the roof, with the young man emerging triumphant.

There are a few more scenes in The Three Musketeers before the final credits roll, but the worst part is that there is a set up for a sequel.  Thankfully, that film has not been made.  The long and short of all this is that the good guys win, at least for now.  Whenever a Catholic reviewer talks about this classic story by Alexandre Dumas, the issue of Cardinal Richelieu must be discussed.  I have done so in other cinematic iterations of the tale, but, briefly, the French religious leader was not the evil person he is so often depicted as being.  Again, there is no need to go over the reasons why his characterization is false, but it gets particularly insulting here when he utters the line “evil is just a point of view.”  Such phrases perpetuate a false stereotype about the Church being a corrupting influence on world politics.  Indeed, it suggests that such an institution is not worth believing in, and that loss of faith is something with which Athos is dealing throughout the movie.  His doubts have nothing to do with religion, but the wound caused him by Milady’s betrayal.  Such is his grief that D’Artagnan asks whether the veteran Musketeer believes in anything.  It is difficult to maintain one’s fidelity in the face of such challenges, and this applies to false lovers and plotting prelates.  What is common between those two categories of people is that they are human beings, and thus capable of the worst behavior.  When it comes to the Church, people need to recognize that it is us that fail the Faith, not God.  His Church’s teachings are perfect, but they are so often misapplied, which is what leads to so many like Athos losing their way.  Nonetheless, putting one’s trust in God is never a mistake.

What is a mistake is watching this attempt at a film version of The Three Musketeers.  It fails as history and in anything having to do with Catholicism.  I cannot imagine Dumas would be too pleased with it, either.