Before you say no, let me tell you more about Vampires vs. the Bronx (2020).  I know the title might have put you off.  I cannot deny feeling any different, and that is without taking into consideration my latest distaste for horror flicks.  Two things initially swayed me in putting it on: latent fatigue from the cruise I just returned from, and the fact that it is under ninety minutes.  What kept me watching was the presence of Catholic images and themes.  God’s power over evil is on full display here, which is proper to such films.  Throw in a community fighting against oppression, which will become clearer in the synopsis, and you have something special in the truest sense of the word.

The only “cents” in which nail technician Becky (Zoe Saldaña) is interested in are the dollars and cents that are coming to her with the sale of her salon.  She explains this to her last customer, Vivian (Sarah Gadon), who comes just before closing one night.  Once their session is complete and Vivian leaves satisfied, Becky is attacked by a vampire.  Lingering outside that night is Miguel “Lil Mayor” Martinez (Jaden Michael).  We meet him more properly the next day as he is out and about in his neighborhood in the title area of New York City handing out flyers for a block party he is planning to host in two weeks.  He is barely a teenager but everyone acknowledges him by his nickname.  His scheduled soiree has a cause and it is to save Tony’s (Joel “The Kid Mero” Martinez) bodega, as well as a number of businesses and buildings that are closing in the surrounding streets.  Helping Miguel in this endeavor are his two best friends, Bobby Carter (Gerald W. Jones III) and Luis Acosta (Gregory Diaz IV), and they meet at the Bodega.  It has been an important place for the three, and Tony has been a surrogate father to them.  Miguel also attempts to recruit his crush, Rita (Coco Jones), but she is older and prefers to tease him.  The person who does take Miguel seriously is Vivian, who they pass later and confuse for someone lost.  Instead, she claims to care about the block as a new resident, and would be happy to contribute.  There are a few other characters to mention to give you a full context.  One is a corruption influence, Henny (Jeremie Harris), who, along with a crew of a few others, are trying to get Bobby to join them.  The other appealed to this Catholic personally.  He is Father Jackson (Cliff “Method Man” Smith), the local priest who is always sternly looking out for the boys.  They need it, particularly Miguel, because he persists in putting up his advertisements while Bobby and Luis return to Tony’s to play video games.  As Miguel is putting up a poster over the logo for Murnau Realty, the company that is gentrifying the neighborhood, a couple of strange figures emerge from the courthouse.  Spooked, he takes off on his bike and runs into Slim (Germar Terrell Gardner).  The incident enrages Slim, who takes off after Miguel.  The chase takes them into an alley, where Miguel witnesses a vampire devour Slim.  Terrified, Miguel finds Bobby and Luis at Tony’s, and they are there when that creature of the night comes to the bodega.  Entering at Tony’s invitation, the boys watch as the blood sucker does not appear in the mirror.  It is enough to convince the kids that something strange is happening.  They explain the situation to Tony, and though he does not believe them, proceeds to show them Blade (1998).  As the resident comic book expert, Luis fills in all the rest of the information about vampires and their weaknesses.  This Catholic is happy to say that many of these are Church specific, like Crucifixes and Holy Water.  The next logical move would be to go to the police, but the problem there is providing evidence of their suspicions.  Thus, they go to Murnau’s local office and ask to speak to their manager.  This person is Frank Polidori (Shea Whigham).  Though he tries to intimidate the teenagers, Luis distracts Frank by pretending to faint while Bobby grabs a zipper bag from the desk.  It contains a thumb drive that is loaded with plans that suggest a vampire takeover of the Bronx.  Yet, Miguel feels they need more proof.  Thus, they decide to go into the old courthouse, which Luis suspects is the nest.  Though they are nearly eaten in the process, they believe they have the blood suckers on video to show everyone else that there are monsters in the area.  However, when they show it to those gathered, there is no one in the frame and Miguel is ridiculed.  They are also in trouble because the police arrive, but Frank comes out and says there will be no charges.  Their parents, on the other hand, ground them all, and Bobby blames Miguel for their problems.  Feeling like he needs new friends, Bobby turns to Henny.  Luckily for Luis and Miguel, their parents turn to God and they are brought to Mass that night.  This is fine by Miguel because he knows it will be where they can obtain Holy Water.  Their sneaking around also attracts Rita’s attention, who enthusiastically joins their cause owing to her Haitian beliefs.  Unfortunately, they are too late to save Tony.  Vivian, who is unsurprisingly a vampire, murders the bodega owner while looking for a key.  She later finds the boys, and Bobby when he realizes he does not want to be in Henny’s gang, and returns them to Carmen Martinez (Judy Marte), Miguel’s mother.  Vivian goes there because she believes the kids have a key she is after, which had been in the zipper bag.  What checks her progress is the fact that she is not invited to enter.  It all culminates the following day when the boys take it upon themselves to take down the nest, with Miguel delivering the final deadly blow to Vivian.  Two weeks later, everything is seemingly back to normal and the block party commences.

“Normal” is the right word to use in connection to Vampires vs. the Bronx, and it goes beyond the absurdity of such a title.  What is normal is people fighting for the integrity of their neighborhoods against the encroachment of corporate America, which is a part of this story.  That is not meant to be a polemical statement.  The people who live anywhere have a right to refuse gentrification or welcome it, whatever they see best.  Still, the metaphor is clear, right?  In the film, the greedy parasites moving into the Bronx are figurative and literal vampires.  While I appreciate that theme, I am heartened more by the effect of Catholic worship images on these monsters.  Some of the ways in which these “fangy” ones are described include “evil” and “soulless.”  I cannot think of a worse fate than being forced to roam the Earth for eternity without hope of ever rising to be with God because you lack the vessel to get you there.  However, it is more than the typical items used to defeat these demons, and their effectiveness, that interests this Catholic reviewer.  What I appreciate the most is the physical return to God that the boys are, admittedly, forced to undergo.  When Miguel and the others get involved with the police, Carmen tells her son that they are going to Mass that night in order to “set you right.”  While it is framed as a punishment, I can think of worse ways of teaching kids a lesson.  It should also be noted that their plan to take the Eucharist as a weapon against the vampires is a sin.  The Host should be consumed upon reception, and many parishes, like mine, have ushers that are watching to ensure this happens.  Even so, I can think of no better foil against the forces of darkness than Jesus, who is fully present when we take Communion.

My take on Vampires vs. the Bronx is that it is surprisingly better than what I thought it would be.  I had been worried that it would be either too campy or gory, but it strikes the right balance between the two.  Indeed, I dare say this one is sneaking good.