You know how the Ocean’s series of heist films have a sort of clever naming convention where the first is Ocean’s Eleven (2001), because it is about a crew with the title number of people?  And how the next two are Ocean’s Twelve (2004) and Ocean’s Thirteen (2007) because they keep adding people?  The Whole Nine Yards (2000) does something similar with its sequel, today’s movie, The Whole Ten Yards (2004).  The numbers are where the similarities end in every conceivable way, as will become apparent as this review proceeds.  I am appreciative of there being avowed Catholic characters here, but there is little else to commend this turkey.

The first character introduced in The Whole Ten Yards is a Hungarian gangster based in Chicago named László Gogolák (Kevin Pollak).  As he is counting his ill-gotten gains, his two sons relentlessly fight in the background.  In order to shut them up, he takes a dollar bill and tears it in half.  Giving each one side, he tells them that it will be the key to inheriting a fortune, which he hopes will inspire them to get along better.  A little over thirty years later, László’s release from prison is being announced worldwide in the news.  The part of the world in which former hitman James Stefan “Jimmy the Tulip” Tudeski (Bruce Willis) is currently residing is Mexico.  He is laying low there because of whatever it is that happened in the previous movie.  Most believe he is dead, but he is taking on a domestic role while his wife, Jill St. Claire Tudeski (Amanda Peet), carries on his contract killing career.  She is eager, but clumsy.  The two people she has been paid to murder have died by accident rather than by her hand.  She is distraught over the lack of violence on her part, and Jimmy does his best to comfort her.  This understanding behavior, coupled with his long hair, apron wearing, and devotion to cooking has her worried that he is cracking.  She is not the only who is anxious.  Her former boss, dentist Dr. Nicholas “Oz” Oseransky (Matthew Perry), is also hypervigilant with surveilling the house he shares in Los Angeles with his wife, Cynthia Oseransky (Natasha Henstridge).  How these four relate to one another is explained in the previous installment.  Briefly, Cynthia and Jimmy used to be married, and I have already mentioned the connection between Jill and Oz.  Stuff happened, and its outcome is Oz’s paranoia, with security cameras all over his home and a room full of guns.  Though Cynthia tells him it is unnecessary, we also know that László is free and wants to come after Jimmy.  Because the one-time assassin is in hiding, the next target is his former wife.  To find her, they go after Oz, though he is saved when László sends his inept son, Strabonitz “Strabo” Gogolák (Frank Collison), to kidnap the dentist.  Strabo lets himself be knocked out by nitrous oxide when Oz hears from Cynthia that she is pregnant.  Yet, during their celebratory lunch, she tries to get Oz to see that he has been behaving irrationally.  His denial is undercut when a balloon popping causes him to faint.  This is apparently a sign for her to leave him at the restaurant, and on her way home we find out that this is all part of a plan between her and Jimmy involving László.  I guess I should go ahead and say this now: Jimmy has one half of the dollar, which means that László is the former killer’s father.  It comes out later and is supposed to be a big reveal, but it is obvious from the beginning.  While Cynthia and Jimmy are on the phone, László’s goons pull up behind her, which is the first phase of their scheme: for her to get kidnapped.  Oz, who is none the wiser about the plot despite Jill wondering to him whether the one-time spouses are up to something, comes home to criminals instead of his wife.  Oz manages to get away and makes his way to Mexico even though Jimmy specifically warns the dentist not to come.  The person who is happy for Oz’s company is Jill.  She reacts in the appropriate ways to Cynthia’s pregnancy and being taken, while Jimmy behaves nonchalantly.  Jill and Oz are begging for him to do something, but he remains committed to being a homebody until László and company start shooting at him.  The three escape, while Cynthia charms her way into being let loose from her bonds to search for the other half of the bill, but is not successful in finding it.  To be able to do her snooping, she had convinced Strabo to go after Jimmy, which leads to Strabo being captured.  Strabo becomes a bargaining chip, and Jill, Jimmy, and Oz wait for the right moment to set up the trade.  They pass their time in a cheap Los Angeles motel, during which an increasingly suspicious Jill tries to make Jimmy jealous.  Her behavior only makes him desire her more.  After their make-up, it is time to set up the hostage exchange, and they decide they need more weapons to do so.  The place to obtain more guns is Oz’s place, but Strabo frees himself.  Instead of running away, Strabo hides in the car that Oz had rented.  Next, a hitman shoots at them, hitting the car and killing Strabo.  There is a blow up between Jill and Jimmy, with her taking off with the vehicle and his bag.  The luggage contains the torn dollar, which is what gets the two to again talk.  Oz returns to his office where his secretary, Jules “Julie” Figueroa (Tasha Smith), turns out to be an assassin.  She takes Oz and Jimmy, who had come to apologize, to László.  The erstwhile friends awaken tied up next to Cynthia.  The person who ultimately saves them is Jill in a sequence of events that need not be enumerated.  Friends again, the four drive away with the now whole dollar and the key to $280 million.

I suppose $280 million would make friends of anyone, though I am not sure The Whole Ten Yards knows the meaning of the word.  Let us just say that these are not Christian relationships as they would use the term, which is kind of hilarious since part of Jimmy’s newfound domesticity involves spirituality.  It is in this vein that the movie has anything that remotely got me close to laughing.  To underscore his supposed Faith, Jimmy says something to the effect that you should do onto others until they turn you into a pillar of salt.  In case you are wondering, this is two different Bible verses blended together, one from the Old Testament and the other from the New.  The first half comes from the New Testament, being the famous Golden Rule, “Do to others whatever you would have them do to you.”  The other is a reference to Genesis 19:26.  In that chapter, Lot, Abraham’s nephew, is fleeing the destruction of the infamous cities Sodom and Gomorrah.  God had told them to escape without looking back, but Lot’s wife turns her attention to the devastation and is made into a pillar of salt.  Doubtlessly, those who wrote the script for the film were not thinking too deeply into Scripture when they came up with this line.  My guess is that they were simply thinking of something that might be lightly comedic but also sound Biblical.  Nonetheless, it can be said that it is Oz who resembles Lot’s wife.  Instead of trusting himself to people who know best about how to handle such situations, like Jimmy, Oz continues to interject his actions and thoughts into the scheme.  It is understandable, and honorable, that he would be so concerned about his wife.  At the same time, it would be helpful if he could recognize that bigger things are afoot.  Then again, there would be no movie if he behaved in this manner.  We, on the other hand, can benefit from adopting such an attitude when it comes to our relationship with God.

A good start to improving your relationship with God is by praying instead of watching The Whole Ten Yards.  I have done it for you, and reading this review will save you so much time for more spiritually beneficial activities.  There is nothing too morally wrong with the movie, it is just not good.